


guide me (through the darkness)

by scriptatur



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blind Character, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Disabled Character, Disney Movies, Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Service Dogs, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 31,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22373689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scriptatur/pseuds/scriptatur
Summary: It might have been a bad idea to move back to Malibu before the house was fully rebuilt, Tony thought, as he let instinct take over and unfolded the repulsor from his watch. He hadn’t even realized there was something going on, but Jess had growled and pushed herself against him and he had reacted before he could think about what he was doing. Before he heard the familiar sound of a gun safety being clicked off.Years ago, Howard had been forced to help out with the Winter Soldier's arm. Now, the Winter Soldier is seeking help again, but things have changed a lot since then.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 259
Kudos: 973





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this during NaNoWriMo 2018, but never really finished it. I do like it though, so I decided to start posting it while I write the last chapters... I'm guessing there are gonna be 19 chapters, maybe 20, we'll see :)  
> I'll probably be posting every other day or so until the story's finished... :) 
> 
> Have fun and thank you for reading :)

It might have been a bad idea to move back to Malibu before the house was fully rebuilt, Tony thought, as he let instinct take over and unfolded the repulsor from his watch. He hadn’t even realized there was something going on, but Jess had growled and pushed herself against him and he had reacted before he could think about what he was doing. Before he heard the familiar sound of a gun safety being clicked off. JARVIS wasn’t here yet, not in the main living spaces, since Tony had expected to be alone for quite a while. Which meant that all he had was a very protective dog, a single repulsor and no idea what was going on.

“Jess, ferma,” he murmured, and Jess stood beside him, her shoulder still pressed against his leg. Then there was silence. The only thing Tony could hear was the irregular breathing of his unexpected (and uninvited) guest. He didn’t know if there was anybody else in here, but as long as they weren’t showing themselves, there was nothing he could do. So he concentrated on the person he knew was there. After a heartbeat or two the weapon he just heard fell to the ground. The person in front of him took a couple of steps back and their breathing was suddenly erratic, almost panicked.

“I-“ The voice was scratchy, as if unused for a long time and there was nothing else coming after that. But it didn’t matter, since Tony could now hear the soft sound of mechanics that were not his own. Mechanics that he shouldn’t recognize. But he did, suddenly feeling thrown back for a second, a little boy in a dark corridor, seeing things he shouldn’t see.

“You’re the Soldier,” he said, before he could think about it too much.

The sharp sound of a breath, then: “You are not Howard.” Not a question, just a statement. As if he knew, as if he wasn’t surprised. He shouldn’t be, Howard has been dead for over 20 years. 

“No,” Tony said. He wasn’t sure what else to say. He wasn’t even really surprised about the Soldier being here, not really, but he still had no idea what to do.So in the end, he settled on the easiest question: “What do you need?”

It wasn’t the question Tony would have liked to ask. He’d rather ask: What the hell are you doing here? Or: Who are you? Why are you here, if you know I’m not Howard? Is someone following you? Are you alone? And yes: What do you need? 

There was no answer, but the Soldier took a couple of steps to the left, creating more distance between them and the answer became obvious in the way the Soldier moved, in the way the arm moved - or rather didn’t move. The sound of mechanics that wasn’t working as it should. Tony nodded. 

“I’ll need coffee,” he said and then “Piede.” Jess followed him into the kitchen. He moved with ease, even though there were quite a lot of things he’d have rather done than turn his back to the Soldier. But the man didn’t move and for a second it almost felt as if Tony was alone. As if none of this was real. He pressed his left hand on the cold marble of the counter while he waited for his coffee to be done. Closed his eyes for a second and concentrated on breathing and the calming feeling of Jess as she stood beside him, pressed against his leg. She didn’t like the situation, Tony could tell, but she stayed calm, so Tony did too. 

The coffee machine beeped, and Tony lifted his hand away from the cool, smooth surface to fill a cup. He turned, put the cup down on the breakfast bar and pushed it in direction of the Soldier. Then he filled a second cup and walked out of the kitchen without another word. The Soldier would either follow him or not. If he was planning to kill him, there was not a lot Tony could do either way, not without JARVIS and a whole armor. And maybe he would be lucky, and the Soldier will disappear, the same way he came - unnoticed.

The Soldier followed him almost silently. It might not have been Tony’s smartest idea to bring him into the workshop, but it was the only one he had. He needed to see what was going on, if he wanted to have any chance at actually helping the guy. And yes, Tony did realize that it might have said quite a lot about himself, that his first instinct was to repair some tech, instead of – you know, being reasonable and calling in for backup.

The workshop was silent when they entered. Not for long though. It was the only place where JARVIS was already in control and he reacted immediately. 

“Sir!” His voice sounded surprisingly distressed for a guy who was mostly made out of a couple of lines of code.

“I know Jay, it’s okay.”

“I’m not sure I agree with that sentiment, Sir.”

Tony snorted and shook his head. Yeah, whatever. 

“You, sit down.” He pointed in the general direction of the workbench. “JARVIS, can you scan the arm and see if you can figure out what’s wrong with it?”

There was a moment of silence and Tony was absolutely sure JARVIS was judging him, but then he said: “Of course, Sir. Sergeant Barnes, if you would take a seat, please.”

His voice was perfectly pleasant, as always, but it still brought Tony to a sudden stop. He froze, stared straight ahead without noticing anything in his surroundings. If JARVIS or the Soldier were saying anything, he didn’t hear it. Fuck, the Soldier. 

Tony trusted JARVIS more than anybody else, so he had absolutely no reason to doubt his statement. Sergeant Barnes. Fuck that even made sense, in a somewhat twisted and fucked up way. If the Soldier was Barnes… And that was the moment Tony realized that Howard must have known. Which was definitely a thought to be examined later. If later meant never, preferably.

“Jess, banca,” he murmured and let her lead him to the couch. She immediately pressed her head against his hands as soon as he sat down, sensing his distress. Fuck, that was too much. Slightly. He concentrated on her soft fur underneath his hand and JARVIS’ soothing voice, even if it was just him talking the Sold… Barnes through the scan. Okay, he could do that. 

Tony had known about the Winter Soldier of course. Hard not too, after everything that went down in DC. He’ll need to look into wings, assuming the new guy made it through another week. Another week of chasing Barnes, which yeah. Funny how that worked. He was still kinda pissed Rogers didn’t call, but then again, maybe it made sense. And maybe it didn’t even matter anyway, it wasn’t like they were friends or anything. The point was, he knew about the Winter Soldier. He knew about Barnes. But somehow, he had never drawn the connection between Howard’s Soldier and Barnes. And yeah, he was still not thinking about Howard. 

He felt kinda stupid now. There weren’t that many soldiers with metal arms running around these days, or at least that’s what Tony hoped. It should have been obvious. And yet.

“Scan completed, Sir.”

Tony took a deep breath and tried to steal himself for whatever followed. He could do this. 

“Talk to me, Jay.”

It seemed like the issue was not so much that there was anything broken and more that Barnes had not been very careful with the arm. It was full of mud and other stuff Tony didn’t want to know about. So instead he spent an hour cleaning everything he could reach without taking the arm apart. Barnes was silent through the whole thing, but Tony could feel he the way he held himself very still, obviously uncomfortable. He seemed calm enough though, which was as much as Tony could hope for. 

“Okay, so this is where it gets tricky,” Tony said after almost an hour of silence. He only now realized that there was no music playing. Maybe better that way, he wasn’t sure Barnes would be particularly fond of Black Sabbath. 

“You can’t really bend the arm at the moment and I’m betting it’s more than just a piece of whatever that even is stuck in here. So… I can try and get that piece out and we hope for the best or I open the arm up and try to see what’s really going on. Thoughts on that?”

For a moment Barnes said nothing, then: “You’ll have to strap me down.” It was soft, almost a whisper and Tony almost felt sick. He shook his head. 

“Okay no, absolutely not. I may be an ass, but I’m not cruel, Barnes. No, there’s not gonna be any strapping down, not now, not ever, you hear me?”

He could feel Barnes shift next to him, turning slightly. 

“If you don’t, I might lash out.”

“It hurts?”

“It always hurts.”

Tony took a deep breath, trying to calm down but nope, that was not gonna happen. 

“Jess, piede.”

She was at his side immediately and he buried his shaking hands in her fur. 

“JARVIS, find a way to disconnect the arm from the nervous system.”

“Sir, I’m not sure there’s a safe way to do that.”

Tony closed his eyes and griped Jess a bit tighter. 

“Try.”

There was no answer, but Tony was sure JARVIS was doing whatever he could. Fuck, this would have been so much easier if he could just… Well, no use crying over spilt milk, or whatever. 

There was movement next to him and suddenly a hand touched his shoulder. It was warm. He still flinched away. The hand moved back. 

“What’s wrong.”

It’s weird how Barnes managed to ask without asking. It was not a question, not really. But it was very clear that he did not understand Tony’s distress. 

“You’re in pain,” Tony managed.

“Yes?” Funny how that was a question. As if the answer Tony gave had nothing to do with what Barnes wanted to know. 

“I wouldn’t even be surprised if they made it that way. So you’d always be in pain.” He took another deep breath, concentrated on Jess’ even breathing and the warmth she radiated. 

“Probably.” It was still obvious that Barnes did not understand. But that was not what mattered at the moment. Or maybe it did, more than anything else, but Tony was pretty sure there was nothing he could say right now to make him understand. He read the files. How did you explain the concept of basic human decency and kindness to someone who had spent the last seventy years or so as a POW?

“Okay, you have to let me design a new arm for you.”

“What?”

“A new one. One that doesn’t hurt you,” Tony said, as if it was the only logical conclusion. And he was Tony Stark, so maybe it was. 

“Why?”

“Because you’re in pain.” They were gonna be talking in circles very soon. Or not, since Barnes stayed silent. Then: “There’s a kill switch.”

What. “What?”

“There’s a kill switch, here.” Barnes took his hand and very carefully laid it on his arm, right next to the seam of metal against flesh. Tony could feel the heat of a possible power source radiating underneath the smooth surface. 

“You should be able to feel it,” Barnes said quietly. And he was right, Tony was able to feel it. 

“If that stops the pain, why didn’t you use it before?” There was no way Tony was going to do something to harm Barnes, no matter what. So there had to be a reason, right? 

“Can’t use the arm, after.” 

“Can’t use it how?”

Barnes shrugged. “It stops working. It’s just a dead weight if you use the switch. But… it doesn’t hurt as much, so-” He shifted slightly. “You seem to care, so I thought…” 

And wow, that was so not what Tony expected. 

“Yeah, I care because you’re hurting. I don’t wanna make it harder on you, though. This is not about me here, okay?” 

Another shrug. “I can’t fight with a dead weight.”

And yes, that did make sense. It was also a somewhat easy obstacle. 

“You’re safe here. As long as you wanna stay.”

The silence grew heavy with the offering, but Tony didn’t care. He was sure JARVIS was judging him so hard right now, but he thankfully stayed silent. 

“Do it,” Barnes finally said in a soft voice. Tony nodded and carefully pressed the switch. The difference was immediate. Barnes sagged forward, breathed out. Tony caught his shoulder and tried to keep him upright. Maybe they should not have done that on a stool in the middle of the workshop but well, live and learn. 

“Come on, let’s get you to the couch, okay?” Barnes nodded against his shoulder and brought his feet underneath him. He pushed up, stood on wobbly legs. He leaned heavily on Tony but lead them towards the couch anyway. As soon as he was close enough, he let go of Tony and kinda just fell onto the soft surface. Tony chuckled. 

“You feeling better?” 

There was a sound of movement against fabric and Tony thought Barnes might be nodding. He couldn’t be sure though, until: “Sorry. Yeah, feeling better.” And that at least answered that question. Tony nodded to himself, stroking over Jess’ head and then releasing her with a soft “libera”. He went back to his workstation. There were always more things to do. 


	2. Chapter 2

Barnes was in fact sleeping. Or at least faking it well enough for JARVIS to be fooled. Not that Tony wanted him faking it, since the man definitely seemed to need some rest. Tony wasn’t too sure what he was supposed to think about the whole thing. The Soldier showing up on his doorsteps (or in his kitchen, as JARVIS liked to remind him) was weird enough, but the Soldier being Bucky Barnes easily topped anything else. He had no idea what to do. Should he be calling Rogers? Or SHIELD? Well no, that was certainly not going to happen. Rogers might want to know where his friend was, but Tony had promised Barnes he was safe here. And he didn’t know if Barnes even remembered anything. The files had not said a lot about the method used, but it had been very clear about the effects the chair was having on Barnes. 

Tony was not really sure what to think about the whole situation. The more he did think about it, the more it became clear that all of this was a giant clusterfuck that he had no chance to ever solve. The whole situation was definitely FUBAR and Tony did not like it. On the other hand though, Barnes was here and he seemed to trust Tony. Which yeah, was probably not a good idea. But it was what it was and Tony would have to deal with it. There was no way he was sending Barnes away, that would only end in tears and chaos. And possibly bloodshed. So, suck it up and deal with it. Seemed like he’d be playing host for a while.

After two hours of not-working he finally gave up and asked JARVIS to order food. That was probably not a bad idea anyway, he had no idea when Barnes had last eaten. And on that note, he wasn’t too sure about himself either, but that was not something unusual.

He grabbed the earpiece he was usually wearing so that JARVIS could help him around, even in those areas where he hadn’t full control yet. On that note, Tony needed to get the JARVIS in control of the whole house as soon as possible. For now, the earpiece and his phone had to be enough.

“Jay, can you keep an eye on our guest and tell him I’m upstairs if he wakes up?”

“Of course, Sir.”

He took Jess outside while waiting for the delivery guy to show up and then sat down with a couple of slices of pizza. Not the healthiest choice, but whatever.

Barnes showed up about halfway through the meal. He stood in the doorway for a moment, before Tony waved him over and shoved some pizza in his direction.

“You should probably eat something. Also, drinks are in the fridge, take whatever you need. JARVIS can also order stuff for you, if you need anything else. Like clothes or anything.”

Yeah, right, he forgot about that.

“Actually Jay, go ahead and make sure our guest has stuff to wear,” he said. His phone made a soft noise, which Tony guessed was mostly for Barnes’ sake.

“Guest?”

That was the first word Barnes had spoken since their weird moment in the ‘shop.

“Yeah sure. I mean, you showed up and made yourself at home, so you’re my guest now. Told you, you could stay.”

He knew Barnes was staring at him, but there was not much else Tony could say. He was absolutely not ready to talk about what happened, about what it meant. Barnes had shown up asking about Howard and that was just not gonna happen. Not yet at least. And he was pretty sure Barnes did not want to talk about DC or HYDRA or Rogers for that matter, so.

“Thanks”, me murmured quietly and then began shoving pizza in his mouth, so that conversation was over.

“Wanna watch something?”, Tony asked after a while.

“Watch?”

“Yeah. You know, like a movie or something.”

“A movie.”

“Are you just gonna repeat everything I say now?”

Silence.

“Okay, movie it is. JARVIS, pull up something good.”

“I believe you and I have different definitions of ‘good’, Sir”, JARVIS said and Tony snorted into his cup of coffee.

“Yeah, whatever, you know what I like.”

“Unfortunately so.”

Tony had picked up his plate and moved over to the couch area. The whole space was very open, so he could still hear Barnes in the kitchen, probably putting more pizza on his plate before coming over as well.

Despite JARVIS disagreeing about Tony’s taste in movies, he put on an early Disney movie, which – yeah, clever move. Not one from the forties, so he doubted Barnes had already seen it. Alice in Wonderland might be weird, but it was definitely fun, so there’s that. And Tony did like the songs.

Halfway through the movie Tony remembered that Barnes’ arm was still not working. He went in search of a sling to relieve the weight on the shoulder, which Barnes let him put on with only minimal tensing and then spent the rest of the movie quietly talking to JARVIS about possible upgrades. He was pretty sure Barnes was asleep by the end of the movie, with Jess laying at their feet on her favorite blanket.

Tony had one of his feet tuck under her warm body, her soft fur tickling slightly. Jess had been with him for about two years now and he absolutely loved her. Sure, he loved all dogs, but his girl had definitely a special place in his heart. She was a golden retriever with – apparently – dark fur the same color as melting caramel. At least that was what Rhodey had said. Tony didn’t care much for the way she looked, but he absolutely loved the way she felt, the way she pressed herself against him. Tony wasn’t too sure what he would have done without her, but it would not have been pretty. He didn’t really need a dog, not as long as he had JARVIS. But it was definitely easier that way. And besides, he enjoyed the company.

It had been Pepper and Rhodey who insisted on looking into getting a dog after everything went down. Since they had argued that after coming out as Iron Man, getting a dog was really not the weirdest thing he had ever done, he had finally agreed. Which had been one of his smarter ideas for sure.

Tony was on his third cup of coffee when Barnes finally began to stir next to him. Tony had at some point thrown a blanket over him which was now gliding onto the floor right on top of Jess. She must have been sleeping too, because she jumped up in surprise, obviously confused.

“Shit, sorry” murmured Barnes, pulling the blanket back. Tony snorted.

“Calm down, Jess, it’s okay.” She came and pushed her head into his waiting hand, so everything seemed to be fine on her end. He threw a soft smile in Barnes’ direction.

“She was probably just sleeping and you surprised her”, he explained. Barnes was silent for a moment, then there was the sound of fabric being dragged over the couch and a person shifting.

“So you really can’t see then.”

Okay. Tact was obviously not a trait the Winter Soldier had been taught. It wasn’t even a question, just a statement. Not untrue, though.

“Thought you figured that out already?”

“The way you move…” He trailed off. Tony shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure you’d be really good at moving in the dark.”

“I was trained.” Tony snorted. Okay, so apparently they were doing that now.

“So was I. Or rather, I trained myself, so…”

Barnes was silent for a moment, as if considering what Tony had said.

“You weren’t born blind then?” Right to the hard question. What the hell was wrong with that guy? Oh right, brainwashing and stuff.

“No. Injury.” And that was about as much as Tony was willing to say on that subject, brainwashed assassin be damned. But all Barnes said was a soft “huh” and that seemed to be it. But still, the silence that followed grew uncomfortable really fast and Tony had never been good with silence anyway. He always needed to fill it, be it with music or his own talking. And since the movie had long been finished and it would be weird to suddenly put on music, he started talking.

“So, I was looking at that piece of crap you’ve got as an arm right now. I’m thinking I can replace it. Actually, I’m sure I can, you just need to tell me what you want and stuff. I mean, I could make it shoot laser or play music or whatever, that might be pretty cool. Or…”

“Can you make it so it comes off?”

Tony frowned, turned his head in Barnes’ direction.

“Why would you wanna have an awesome piece of tech just so it can come off? That makes no sense at all.”

Barnes hesitated. Then: “It doesn’t feel like it’s mine, most of the time. I thought…”

“Oh okay, no I totally understand that. Sure, arm’s coming off, I can do that. I mean, I have to figure out how it is attached first and everything, but it should be doable.”

And just like that, Tony was apparently building a new arm for Sergeant Bucky Barnes. As long as he didn’t think too much about why Barnes was letting him do that, not questioning everything, they would probably be fine. Probably.

“Okay, I need more coffee”, Tony said and tried to liberate himself of the blanket that had somehow been tangled up in in his legs. How did that even happen?

“Are you sure you should be drinking more coffee?”

“Really? You’ve barely been here for a day and you already start questioning my coffee habits? Quit mother henning, Barnes.” And just like that he realized that although he had been calling the guy Barnes in his head for a while now, he had no idea if he actually remembered anything. He could very well have come in search of a Stark based on earlier memories.

“Sorry, I should have asked what you wanted to be called, I-” He broke off, unsure of what to say. In times like this it sucked to not have any visual information. It might have been a lot easier if he could see the guy’s face.

“James?” Funny how that was a question even if it should not be. But it was a name and even technically the right one, so Tony was not gonna complain.

“James it is. I’m Tony by the way, since we’re getting to know each other now.” He smiled in James’ direction and then got up in search of more coffee. Mother hen or not.

Tony went outside with Jess quickly and they migrated back into the workshop after that. Tony usually let Jess do whatever she wanted for as long as he worked and apparently, she had taken an interest in James. He wasn’t too sure what she was doing, but James’ exclamation of surprise led him to believe that she had probably flopped down on him and was begging for scratches. Usually Jess wasn’t too big a fan of strangers, but she seemed to have accepted their new houseguest.

“You can tell her to go away, if she bothers you”, Tony said, just in case James was in fact feeling uncomfortable.

“She’s starring at me.” Yeah, definitely uncomfortable, but not in the way Tony had expected. More in a ‘a have no idea what to do’ way.

“She wants you to pet her.”

“How would you know that; you can’t see her.” Tony snorted. Zero tact, that guy.

“She’s my dog, I know her. Scratch her ears.”

“…Okay.” Then: “Okay, you’re right.”

“Of course, I am.” And with that he left James to discover the wonders of a friendly animal at your side and went back to tinkering with the scans JARVIS had made of the arm. There had to be a way to take that thing off without straight up killing the guy. And preferably without major surgery as well, but Tony realized that might be difficult. He’d cross that bridge when he’d get there.

\---

In case you're wondering, [this](https://www.flickr.com/photos/91244872@N07/8323046042) is what I imagine Jess looks like :) 


	3. Chapter 3

He had forgotten about the bots. How could he have forgotten about the fucking bots?

They were scheduled to arrive in about an hour, which Tony only remembered because JARVIS had so helpfully reminded him. An hour before they were supposed to be here. That was not helpful, JARVIS, that was way too late.

“Okay, I need you to stay in the workshop for the next… I don’t know, two hours or so.”

“Why.” And again with the non-questions. Also, James definitely did not sound happy.

When Tony had scheduled the last and biggest delivery from NY he had not expected to have a guest, which was the main reason why he had completely forgotten about it. They’d be here at some point, which was kinda all he needed to know. But now he had a reformed (probably reformed?) assassin in the house who wouldn’t react all too well to the sudden appearance of strangers. At least that was Tony’s guess, but he didn’t really wanna see and find out either. So, explanation time.

“There’s stuff gonna be delivered, from my other workshop in New York. And… Well, I kinda don’t wanna explain to the guys why I’m housing a former HYDRA assassin… Err.”

Right, so much about tact, Stark. Well fucking done.

“Is it safe?” Oh, an actually question.

“Safe?”

“The things you’re getting?”

“Oh yeah, sure. I mean, it’s mostly the ‘bots, but they’ll be sleeping anyway.”

“Bots?”

“Yeah, robots, you know? They’re kinda dumb, but… they’re also family, so.” He was babbling again, great. James was silent for a moment, then he seemed to be moving.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“As long as it’s safe.”

“It is.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” That was a weird conversation. But James moved over to the couch and seemed to be getting comfortable, so there was that.

“Sir, Mister Hogen has just arrived.”

“Right. Thanks Jay.”

He listened for any indication that James had changed his mind, but he was still not moving – or if he was then he was doing it in stealth mode.

He only realized his tactical error when he had all the crates and stuff standing around in his living room and Happy was leaving with a “You’re sure you don’t need help bringing the stuff down to the ‘shop?” Tony waved him away with a grin.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Happy. Thanks for bringing them home.”

“No problem, boss.”

And with that, Tony was standing in middle of boxes. Great.

“Jess.”

She was at his side immediately.

“That was not so clever now, was it?” He sighed, shook his head and grinned.

“Right. Let’s see if James is up to help.”

He felt his way out of the stuff standing around and went down to the workshop.

“Hey James, I was wondering if you could help me out for a sec?”

James was immediately at his side, tenseness practically radiating from him in waves.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing wrong, just a slight tactical error on my side.” Okay, that did not help with the tenseness.

“I’ve got boxes and stuff standing around in my living room. I… don’t particularly like stuff standing around where I can’t… well, see it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah… I know your arm’s still not up, but I thought we could just move them to the side or something?”

“Sure.”

As soon as this was done Tony was so focusing on getting JARVIS up everywhere. Or at least setting up his glasses again, that might already be pretty helpful.

They spent half an hour moving around boxes until Tony knew exactly where what was standing and then Tony disappeared into the workshop to set up the glasses. Thinking of it now, he was not too sure why he hadn’t done it before, that made no sense really. But well, better late than never.

The glasses – in combination with a com link to JARVIS – allowed him to “see” whatever they could pick up. Or rather, JARVIS could tell him. That was especially helpful when working outside the ‘shop, since it gave him a more detailed view on what was going on right in front of him. He was itching to use his newfound freedom to finish setting up JARVIS in the rest of the house, but at the same time he really did not want to leave James shorthanded either. Pun absolutely intended.

In the end, he compromised. Setting JARVIS up at least in the kitchen, living room and entrance had definite priority. Especially the entrance, although nobody really knew where he was, so he wasn’t really expecting guests, present company excepted. And Pepper and Happy of course, but they didn’t really count. Same as Rhodey. Oh god, he really hoped Rhodey would not show up on short notice. He’d yell at Tony for days if he’d find out about James. Ugh, life was complicated. Thus, JARVIS needed more control, so Tony didn’t have to worry about that stuff.

It became clear pretty fast that James seemed to take an interest in these things. Could be he just wanted to know more about the security. Or maybe he was just bored. Either way, it was good to have a helping hand. (Tony really needed to stop making hand puns. Not cool, brain. (Kinda cool, brain.))

They spent a couple of days laying wires and installing cameras and microphones all over the place. Tony quickly learned that James was good at following directions, as long as you kept it simple. But he also didn’t seem to mind Tony’s constant chattering, so that was good. Or if he did, he didn’t voice his objection and Tony could not hear him roll his eyes, which suited him just fine.

It was interesting, living with someone else. Tony hadn’t done that in a while, had in fact come to Malibu exactly for that reason. To be alone. But since James knew about the blindness thing, Tony didn’t even try to alter his behavior. And on the other hand, James was a very, very quiet housemate. He went where Tony pointed and hardly ever talked. Tony was convinced he’d just spend his days sitting around starring at a wall if Tony didn’t rope him into his projects from time to time. Seriously, the man didn’t watch movies, read, talk, go outside. Tony wasn’t even sure he slept, although he did disappear in one of the guestrooms at night. If he did have nightmare, he was very silent about those as well.

People often assumed Tony would spend his days locked up in the workshop if left alone and that had certainly been true for a long time. But one big advantage of having a dog was the simple fact that it forced him to have some kind of normal and daily routine. Which did of course not mean that he slept very much, but that was really nobody’s business. Having a housemate who seemed to have even less of a routine than him also helped. He tried to make sure James ate somewhat regularly which in turn meant the same for him. He had also started dragging him along on walks. Tony never went anywhere where other people were anyway.

They eventually grew into a routine. They’d get up in the morning, grumbling their way through coffee and breakfast and then take Jess outside for a walk on the beach. A very nice private beach, obviously. Tony liked the feeling of sun warmed sand underneath his feet, so he usually ditched his shoes as soon as they made their way down. James seemed to find that funny for some reason. But he willingly sat down next to Tony in the sand while Jess enjoyed her free time and ran around chasing waves or whatever else it was that she did.

After that they usually spent a couple of hours installing more eyes and ears for JARVIS or poking around in the ‘shop. Since Tony could never leave well enough alone, he had started on a new arm before he even knew how to disassemble the old one, but that didn’t really matter, he’d find a way. James didn’t have much of an opinion on the arm, apart from the already mentioned detachability. Which only meant that Tony could play around even more. (“No lasers, James, I know… So boring.”)

Usually it was JARVIS who reminded them of the existence of the outside world. Or more precisely, of the existence of the dog that Tony did in fact still own. So, another walk on the beach and then they ordered in whatever they – meaning Tony – felt like. Again, not many opinions on James’ side, but they were working on it. Just as they were working on his cultural education. Which at the moment meant watching every Disney animation movie ever made. They had just started the 70s with The Aristocats, which suited Tony just fine. He kinda loved that movie.

The whole thing was somewhat bizarre, but it worked. They didn’t talk much, but that was absolutely okay in Tony’s book, he was just enjoying the company without that added pressure of having to perform for an audience. It was nice. Calm. Which was probably why he should not have been surprise that it couldn’t last.


	4. Chapter 4

He woke up knowing there was someone in the room. He also woke up not knowing where he was. The taste of stale water still in his mouth, screaming. It was dark. Why was it so dark?

He scrambled backwards when he heard the person move. He didn’t exactly get very far, hitting a wall after just a couple of seconds. His hair was plastered against his forehead and he could have sworn he felt droplets of water dripping down on his face.

“Stark.”

He whimpered, tried to get further away from the voice, but there was nowhere to go.

“Stark, calm down. It’s me…”

That was not exactly helpful. Also, Tony wasn’t really hearing whatever the person was saying. He knew they were still talking, but he couldn’t hear. Couldn’t see. Whatever they wanted, he wouldn’t give it to them. There was no way… Strong hands suddenly gripped his wrists, pulled them down, away from his face. There was something about that that he should notice. There was something strange… Metal.

“James?” His voice was raw, as if he had screamed himself horse.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Why is it so dark?”

That didn’t get any answer. Instead, he could hear the person – James swear quietly.

“I can’t see.” Fuck, why did his voice sound like that? “Where…” He broke off.

“I know. I know you can’t see, it’s okay. You’re in your bedroom in Malibu. We watched Aristocats yesterday, remember?”

“Aristocats?”

“Yeah. Had Indian food and you made fun of me because it was too hot. Was good though.”

What? Tony had no idea what the hell was going on, but Disney and takeout food at least sounded familiar.

“Jess?”

“She’s here, just waiting for you to notice her. It’s okay.” The hands let go of his wrists and only now Tony realized that Jess had pressed herself against him, whining softly. He slid a shaking hand through her fur, and she pushed her wet nose against it.

“There’s no water, is there?”

James shifted a bit.

“No. Your hair’s a bit sweat soaked, but other than that there’s no water here. Ocean’s outside though, you might be able to hear the waves.”

Tony shook his head. Yeah, he could hear the ocean, but the ocean didn’t scare him. Not as long as nobody expected him to swim in it. And with that, the reality of his surroundings slowly came back. Right. Malibu, Jess, James, ocean.

“Nightmare.” Fuck, he’d thought that shit was over.

“Yeah, I guessed so.”

And with that Tony also realized, that he was indeed not alone in his bedroom.

“What are you doing here?”

“You were screaming.” As if that was a reasonable excuse.

“Right.”

“Did you… did you not want me to wake you up?”

And okay, that actually sounded like James was hurt. Like the idea of Tony not wanting him there, not wanting him to help… Fuck, that was the actual Winter Soldier they were talking about, not… But then again, they had been living together for two weeks now. So yeah, maybe they both needed a bit of perspective on the whole thing.

“No it’s fine, it’s just…” He took a breath and concentrated on the soft feeling of Jess next to him.

“It’s hard when I wake up and don’t know where I am.” Okay. Communication, he could do that. Although he wasn’t too sure if James could, since he didn’t answer. Abort mission, communication was not a good idea.

“Falling asleep feels like cryo”, he then suddenly said, voice impossibly low and hesitant. And yeah, Tony had read about the cryo process. He had read about a lot of things concerning the Winter Soldier and his (un?)making.

“But you sleep when we… when we watch movies, right?” James snorted almost silently, but hey, better than nothing.

“No singing cats in cryo.” Okay. Well yeah, Tony didn’t need his heart anyway.

“JARVIS can play stuff for you, if you want. Like music or audiobooks or whatever. If… If that would make it easier.”

He wasn’t sure if James nodded or anything, but he felt him shift and reach out for Jess. Soon enough there where two hands clinging to her soft fur, which she didn’t seem to mind at all.

They eventually did get up. Not because they feel like it, but there’s nothing much to do when you’re just sitting in bed awkwardly trying not to talk about trauma. Also, if he had to be awake, Tony wanted coffee.

They made coffee and filled a thermos bottle with it before taking it down to the beach. James said it was still dark and when Tony asked him if it bother him, he seemed to shake his head.

“Nah. It’s nice. Calm.”

Jess took the change of routine in strides, enjoying the walk no matter what time of the day. The sand was cool under Tony’s feet, but he still took of his shoes and put them down next to the little path they had taken to get down. He silently made his way to the water, shivering when the cold waves hit his naked feet.

“You’re gonna get sick.”

“And you’re a mother hen.”

“Huh?” That seemed to give James a pause.

“You called me that before, right? In the beginning.” Tony grinned.

“Yeah. You told me to drink less coffee. Which you know, is never gonna happen.”

“Right.” He sounded hesitant, like it meant something more, something bigger.

“I think I’ve been called that before… Maybe.”

Okay, they were doing the talking thing again. Ugh, it was way to early (or late) for that kind of talk. And there wasn’t enough alcohol. Although Tony hadn’t touched a drop in months now, he wasn’t gonna break his streak for that. Even if it was the hard kind of talk.

“You might have been, yeah…”, he said, before turning around and walking back towards James. Jess was running around on the beach.

“Let’s sit down.”

“Okay.” The single word was enough for Tony to locate James and be at least reasonably sure he was actually sitting in close proxy. He felt James sitting down next to him after a couple of minutes.

“You know.”

“More words, cryofreeze. I know what?” Oh yeah, brilliant idea, remind the guy of his worst horrors that he has just opened up about an hour ago. Well done, Stark. But James didn’t seem to be too bothered about it, or at least he didn’t comment.

“You know who I am.”

“Yeah.”

“You… you know who I was.” Tony did not want to do that. He was in no way qualified. Why again was James here and not with Rogers?

“James…” James snorted. Fuck, okay here goes nothing.

“Yeah. Yeah I know who you were.”

There was silence for a moment and then: “You work with him.” Tony closed his eyes and leaned back on the sand. It was cold and probably getting all in his hair, but whatever.

“I did. But you know, there were aliens, so I think it was kind of a once in a lifetime situation. At least I hope so. About the aliens, not about… You know what, I’m gonna shut up now.”

“He’s looking for me.”

Tony had by now learned that the not questions were in fact very much questions, but the Winter Soldier persona seemed to become stronger the more insecure James felt. But even so, there hadn’t been any moment yet where Tony felt like it was the Soldier he was talking to instead of James. Which was kinda disconcerting, since Tony was pretty sure that it would all come crushing down on them one day. (But it is not this day, he thought. True words.)

“Yeah, he probably is.”

“You didn’t tell him.” Tony shook his head.

“Why would I tell him?” He sat up again and turned his head in James’ direction. “I told you, you’d be safe, right? I plan to stand by my word, you know.” He heard James take a deep breath, let it out slowly.

“You think he’s a danger to me?” Oh for fuck’s…

“No. That is not what I said and you know it. But you came to Malibu and not to wherever the good Captain is at the moment. You came here and you haven’t left yet, so I like to think there’s a reason. And I’d also like to think that you’d tell me if this isn’t working for you anymore… I mean…” He trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No.” Okay, that might have been a bit fast. James chuckled.

“Good, I don’t want to either… And yeah, I don’t think I’m ready to see Steve. I mean, I know I should know him, but…” Tony shook his head. Jess had come over to them at one point and was pressing her very wet paws against his leg.

“Uh, get off, mutt. And no, you don’t have to do anything. If you don’t know him then you don’t. It’s not a race, James, you’ve got time.”

“Damn. When did you get so wise?” Tony rolled his eyes and laid back into the sand. The sun was coming up over the ocean and for once, he felt calm.


	5. Chapter 5

James was making pancakes. It had been a couple of days since their talk on the beach and Tony was feeling okay, even if the nightmares had not yet gone away. It was a pleasant mix off Afghanistan and space which yeah, Tony could have very well done without it. But James was making pancakes. And maybe it should have surprised him how much that meant, how much it helped. But it somehow really didn’t.

“Any plans for today?”, Tony wanted to know. He was listening to the soothing sounds of someone cooking, moving around in a space they felt comfortable in. Being at home.

“You know I don’t.” Tony grinned.

“You could have. I mean, you know you’re free to leave whenever. I’ll be here hoping you’ll come back, but… you know.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to go”, James said and with that the conversation was apparently over. But Tony was getting antsy. Sure, they got out every day and Tony loved the beach but…

“Let’s go to Malibu Creek State Park.”

“What?”

“It’s like, 15 minutes from here or so. It’s a really big park with lots of nature stuff and everything. The green things. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Tony…”

“What?”

James didn’t answer, just turned back to his pancakes. Which smelled really good, so Tony was absolutely in favor of that. But also, park. And going outside. That was a thing people did, right?

James slid a plate over the breakfast bar and pushed the cutlery in front of Tony.

“You want more coffee?”

“You know the answer to that is always yes.”

A moment later the smell of coffee hit him as James put a fresh cup down. Also, it smelled like melted butter and maple syrup and all the good stuff, so Tony momentarily forgot about the park and going outside and concentrated on the food. It had definitely come as a surprise, but the Winter Soldier was really good at cooking. Or maybe rather James was. Tony got the feeling that that wasn’t a skill he had picked up during his time as a Soldier. It was a weird prospect, James and a tiny version of Steve in a tiny apartment somewhere in New York. No, not somewhere, in Brooklyn. During the depression. Yeah, definitely weird. But funnily enough Tony also found it quiet soothing. To know that there had been peaceful moments before and that there would be more ahead of them. Whether James chose to share them with Tony or not didn’t really matter.

“I… I don’t…”

Tony had not expected James to speak up, so the forkful of pancake kinda missed his mouth. James snorted.

“Yeah sure, laugh about the disabled person, why don’t you?”, Tony said, but he was grinning too.

“You don’t what, though?”

“The park.”

“Yeah?”

Tony had slowly learned that it was better to just let James say his sentences in pieces and not project whatever he was expecting to hear into whatever James was actually trying to say. It was not easy. But he tried.

“I don’t know… I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” He tried to not sound as if he was judging. He wasn’t. It just seemed hard sometimes to really convey whatever he meant. Words were hard and so much in interaction relayed on visual cues.

“There will be people.”

That… might be a problem, yeah.

“That’s true. Would you rather not go anywhere where you might encounter other people?”

He got the feeling that James was shaking his head, or at least he moved in a way Tony could not really read. A moment later he heard Jess get up and go over to him, though and that was always a good clue for something being wrong. She wasn’t working at the moment but obviously still felt like James needed her.

“Hey, it okay. We don’t have to go anywhere.”

“It’s not that… I…” He broke off again. Tony smiled encouragingly but went back to his breakfast. Sometimes it helped if James had a moment to think about stuff without feeling observed. Not that Tony could really watch him, but they both knew that he could still pick up on quite a lot.

He got halfway through his pancakes and had just finished off his coffee when James spoke up again.

“People are okay. But… There have to be a lot of them. So… So you can kinda disappear in the masses, you know. Either that or no people at all. If there are just a couple and… It’s easier to get noticed, that way.”

And see that? That actually made sense.

“Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t think about that.” He made a low humming noise.

“So you think there’s someone looking for you?”

He could almost feel the deadpan glare James sent his way.

“Apart from Rogers, I mean.”

James shifted, put something down on the bar between them and then sat down.

“I guess? I mean, I don’t really know, but… I’m kind of a loose cannon right now. I… I don’t know if they’re still trying to get me back or… Maybe they would just put me down, might be easier.”

Put me down, what the fuck, James? Tony shook his head.

“You’re not some kind of animal, James.”

“Are you sure?” And that. That sounded bad. Not just the way it was a question, like James didn’t even need to think about the answer, as if the answer was clear. But also the way it seemed to hurt. The knowledge that it was true.

“You’re more than what HYDRA made out of you.”

And when did Tony start to get so wise. When did those kind of conversations start to happen, who had thought that might be a good idea. He could hardly even look after himself, how the fuck was he supposed to take care of a brainwashed assassin with a fucking guilt complex as big as the Avengers Tower. What even was his life?

James didn’t answer. He sat silently for a moment, then picked up his cup and drained it in one go.

“Right. When do you wanna go?”

What? “What? Go where?”

“To that park.” And fuck no, that was not happening.

“We’re not going.”

“You want to.”

“Doesn’t matter, I don’t want to go if it makes you feel unsafe.”

“Stark…”

“No. Look, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but that? That is not happening. You will not put yourself in a situation that makes you feel unsafe just because you think that is what I want, is that clear? You… Fuck. You will not use me to punish yourself.”

James didn’t answer. Tony wasn’t too sure what kind of answer he wanted anyway, so it didn’t really matter. And yet it did. He did not want to hurt James. Not by chance, not intentionally, not in any way. But maybe that was what he just had. Maybe that had hurt him. But maybe it was needed. Maybe it was important, too important for comfort, for softening the blow. If that was what James was doing, even if he wasn’t aware, then it had to stop. Now.

“I…” He broke off. Tony could hear him move around, as if he couldn’t be still for too long. “I didn’t mean to…” And now he just sounded lost. Which did remind Tony that in the end, James was still young, so incredibly young and lost. He might have lived for almost a hundred years, but those had been stolen years. Stolen and broken.

“James…” He didn’t know what to say. How to not make it worse, how to comfort him, how to make it better. How could you make it better, after everything that had happened to him? After all the torture and pain and loss, what could Tony even do.

“You’ve been hurt enough, James. Do not make it worse. Do not hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. You don’t. You don’t deserve to be hurt.”

James made a soft noise in the back of his throat, small and vulnerable.

“James, can I touch you?” He was already standing, already at the other side of the breakfast bar. If James nodded or shook his head he couldn’t hear, couldn’t feel it.

“James…”

“Tony. I…”

“Can I touch you?” He tried to radiate calmness, warmth, but he wasn’t too sure if he was succeeding.

“Yes.” The word was soft, more of a whisper, but it was there. It was consent. Tony reached out, felt the warmth of James’ skin underneath his hand. He let his hand glide up to the shoulder, feeling the soft fabric of James’ shirt.

“I’m gonna hug you now.” And that wasn’t a question. Sure, he would let go the moment he felt James tense up, the moment he said no, but he didn’t ask. He slid his arms around James’ shaking frame, pulled him close. And maybe it was long overdue, maybe it should have happened long ago. Maybe that was one of the reasons why James should have gone to Rogers instead of Tony. But then again, maybe it was precisely a reason why he should be here. Maybe James needed that freedom, the choice to say no. The time it had taken to work up to this point.

He was still shaking but softer now, calmer. Tony’s shoulder was damp where James pressed his head against him, but he just held him closer. Didn’t let go until he was ready. It took a while but suddenly it was as if James had just let go of any tension in his body. He was still standing but barely. Tony smiled softly as he guided both of them out of the kitchen and to the couch. Or at least in that general direction. After a moment James seemed to realize what was happening and got his feet back under himself. They ended up in a tangle of limbs all over the place, but it was surprisingly comfortable. Maybe that was mainly because both of them had not felt a friendly touch in way too long, but that was not what they were talking about right now. Actually, they weren’t talking at all.


	6. Chapter 6

They spent the rest of the day sort of not talking about it. They weren’t actively avoiding each other, which was good, but they also weren’t talking. Not about what had happened in the morning and not about anything else really. But it was a comfortable silence, so it was okay. At least it was for Tony, who tended to be quite sensitive when it came to silence.

They did ditch the workshop in favor of the beach in the afternoon, though. Tony didn’t feel like working, or rather he still didn’t feel like sitting inside all day, so he suggested taking a longer walk on the beach. It wasn’t Malibu Creek but it was good. Probably a lot better than the park, not that he thought about it. It had been an impulsive idea and it had sounded good at the moment, but Tony could see how it had been asking too much, too soon. So the private beach it was. Jess liked it more on the beach than in the park anyway, since the park didn’t really allow dogs in and she’d have to be working full time to justify her presence. And Tony did not want to explain why he needed a service dog either, so in the end it had played out in everybody’s favor.

The whole thing did seem to have unlocked something in James, though. Tony had known that James probably had trouble sleeping, but after that the, it became very obvious. James spent whole nights wandering around in the mansion, more like the ghost his alter ego was than the man Tony had gotten to know in the last weeks. Tony had started to keep the door to his bedroom slightly open, so Jess could get up and find James, if she was needed. She was used to the way Tony had nightmares and she had become very good at recognizing them and waking him up. Apparently, she did the same thing for James now, too.

“Your dog woke me up,” James said one morning after another rather sleepless night.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Then, quietly: “She’s a good dog.” Tony grinned.

“That she is.”

Tony had by now finalized a version of the arm that should be working quite a lot better for James than the piece of shit he had now did. Fucking HYDRA nazis. But – while there was no doubt about the fact that Tony was good – he could not do it on his own. Not only did he not have the equipment (which could be easily changed, of course), but there was no way he could disconnect the old arm and connect a new one. That was surgery they were talking about here and Tony did not wanna risk that. JARVIS was brilliant, but that might prove to be too much.

“No.”

But as Tony had unfortunately expected, James was not a fan of bringing someone else in.

“James, there’s no way I can safely do that on my own.”

“Then don’t do it.”

“But I promised you a new arm.”

“Don’t care. You can’t tell anyone.”

And that did sound like a threat. Which did remind Tony that James still was an assassin, even if he spent most of his time cuddling with Jess on the couch these days.

“It’s hurting you.”

“Telling someone where I am might kill me.”

“It’s just Bruce. He’s not gonna tell anyone.”

“Why would I believe that.”

“Because I’m pretty sure he’ll understand you. Better than I ever might actually. He knows how it is to be on the run."

“Why?”

Tony hesitated.

“How much do you know about the Avengers?”, he finally asked. James didn’t answer, but Tony could hear him shift his weight, as if preparing for a fight. Or flight, actually.

“Look. Bruce… He’s the Hulk.”

“The… green thing?” Tony snorted.

“Yeah, the big, green rage monster. Sometimes. The rest of the time he’s one of the most amazing brainies I know out there. And I know myself, so…”

Tony imagined James was probably rolling his eyes, but he didn’t comment on it, so he couldn’t know for sure.

“What I’m saying is that you can trust him. He’s had enough trouble with any kind of authorities to understand what you’re going through and the last thing he’d do is expose himself to sell you out. And I need his help in this. I mean, ideally I’d bring in a surgeon, but since I’m pretty sure you’d immediately nix that, Bruce is the next best thing I can do.”

Tony sat back and barely resisted spinning around in this chair. He was nervous. He wanted James to accept his help, to accept Bruce’s help, but he would of course follow his wishes. If James chose not to let Bruce in, then Tony would try and do whatever he could on his own. He couldn’t replace the whole thing alone, but he could try and make it better. Even if he’d be working with less than ideal conditions, since HYDRA really hadn’t given a shit about user friendliness or making sure James wasn’t constantly hurting.

“I want to help you, James.”

It might have been a low blow, but Tony was pretty sure James would say no if he really didn’t want it. Although he was still very careful after that whole park debacle. James sighed.

“Can I think about it?”

“Yeah, of course!” He smiled. That was better than nothing and it wasn’t no. He could work with that.

It was two days later when James came to find Tony in the ‘shop, clearly wanting to talk about something. He didn’t say anything for a while, though. He just stood there, watching Tony tinker with some designs Pepper had sent over. Nothing interesting, but he could look busy until James had made up his mind.

“Can you tell me about it?”, he finally asked. Tony turned a bit in his direction, not fully facing him.

“Tell you about what?”

“You said… you said you wanted to take the arm away...”

“I’d like to replace it with a better version, yeah.”

“You said surgeon.”

“I… well yeah, ideally. But mainly I just need someone who can see. And someone who knows what they are doing. Bruce is not a surgeon, he’s not even ‘that kind of doctor’, but he’s good and I trust him.”

James didn’t say anything for a while and Tony waited. Jess had trotted over and laid her head on his knee, so he focused on petting her instead of just kinda starring in James’ general direction.

“I don’t… I can’t wake up to changes, I…” He broke off and Tony was surprised at how distressed he sounded. And fuck, that was something Tony hadn’t thought about. Autonomy was incredibly important, even more so for James. And to wake up to find that something had changes about his body, that someone had… Yeah okay, now Tony was feeling sick.

“Shit James, I didn’t realize… I…” He hesitated. He could hear James shift, but he didn’t move away, didn’t move closer either.

“I’m sorry”, Tony said a bit calmer. “I didn’t think about that, didn’t realize how you’d feel about… I mean, you said it was okay, but of course it’s not…”

He had no idea what he was saying and he was pretty sure that by now he was babbling mostly nonsense. Thankfully, James took pity on him.

“I do want it. I want a new arm, that one’s a piece of shit. But… It’s still my arm, you know?” He was talking softly now, as if trying to calm a frightened animal, which was not what Tony wanted at all. This was about James. Tony shook his head, trying to clear it, trying to understand what exactly was happening. Body autonomy was not something he wanted to play with, but it was also the first time James talked about any of it. He had never said much about the arm, apart from the fact that it was hurting him and Tony had mostly just seen it as an awesome and awful piece of tech. That was attached to a human. Great Tony, way to go. But then again, that was kinda the way he felt about the arc reactor, so he wasn’t too sure he really could be blamed for that. Not that that would stop him from blaming himself, of course.

“Okay so, let’s back up a bit. You do want a new arm. But… you don’t want surgery?”

James made a low humming sound and hesitated for a moment.

“I… don’t want to wake up and realize that there’s something different. Something… Something I didn’t expect, at least. But I don’t know if I can…” He broke of again with a frustrated noise.

“Hey, take your time, it’s okay.”

James snorted.

“You know, it’s really not…”

“You freaking out on me now?”

James might had nodded or shook his head, but he didn’t answer, so Tony gave Jess a nudge and let her trot over to James. Hopefully, that would help. Tony hated feeling useless.

“Hey, good girl”, James murmured quietly and Tony smiled. Better than nothing. He heard James take a deep breath.

“Look, I don’t know if I can let you put me under. I mean, I do trust you, but I don’t know if all of me knows that… I... I don’t think surgery is a very good idea.”

And yeah, that did make sense. He had some thinking to do.

“If I find a way to do it without surgery, or at least without you having to be unconscious, would you be willing to think about it?”

“You’ll still want your friend here?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”


	7. Chapter 7

There was a way. Granted, it involved taking the arm apart and removing it while James was awake, which was not a thing Tony ever wanted to do, but it should be possible. Since the arm was already disconnected and James wasn’t feeling it, it should theoretically be possible to make sure the whole thing would be pretty painless. But then again, one of the main reasons why Tony would have preferred surgery (and James to be unconscious for it) was that even if he wouldn’t feel it, James’ brain would probably still be freaking out and telling him that Tony was actually cutting his arm off. Since the arm might be made of metal, but it was still – as James had pointed out – his arm. So, the whole thing was not ideal.

“I might have found a way.”

They were sitting on the beach and James had been watching and describing Jess running around in the sand, chasing birds and waves. It was warm, almost too warm already but they were not in a hurry. Neither of them had slept well and they hadn’t been talking much for most of the morning, both of them lost in thoughts. Thoughts that Tony was now voicing. Look at me, all mature and stuff, he thought and wondered when it had become so easy. Not that this was easy, but with James it was at least not as hard as it could be.

“You don’t like it.”

Tony snorted. Leave it to James to pick up on his discomfort immediately. Leave it to him to not ask, but just state. That might indeed be one of the reasons why it was easy.

“No, not particularly.”

“Why?”

“Because the chance that your brain is gonna freak out – and thus you’re gonna freak out – is pretty high.”

“My brain is already scrambled, can’t be much worse.”

God, they were both too fucked up for this world.

“Yeah, but it’s getting better. And I really don’t want to make it worse.”

That had James shifting next to him. Tony wasn’t sure, but it felt like James had turned in his direction, facing him. Giving him all his attention.

“I think you’re the last person out there to make it worse. I think you’re the one making it better, actually.”

And what the hell was Tony supposed to do with that. He was already out of his depth and way too invested in all of this. He couldn’t… He had never been good with responsibility, with any kind of relationships. Ask Pepper, in fact ask anyone. Ask Rogers, for that matter.

His thought process was suddenly disrupted when someone carefully touched his face. Not someone, James.

“Stop putting yourself down.”

Fuck, when had he become so good at reading him. When had Tony started to be an open book?

“Tony, I trust you. And I don’t care if you don’t trust yourself, because I know you’re still gonna do the best you can. And that’s more than enough for me.”

For a while the only thing Tony could hear were the waves crashing down on the shore. He wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. And then James broke the spell.

“Tell me what you’re gonna do.”

Tony smiled. Brave little Soldier. He leaned back a bit, breathing in the salty air.

“Theoretically, I can take the arm off bit by bit while you’re conscious. Since we disconnected the arm, you shouldn’t feel it. But your brain might still think it’s real and thus freak out. But even if it doesn’t, it’s not easy… And I will absolutely need someone else there. Actually, that someone else will need to do most of the actual taking apart.”

He could hear James take a sharp breath. Yeah, he had not expected him to like that idea. But he was pretty sure there was no other way. But he had to do it. Had to find a solution, a possibility. James put way too much trust in him to disappoint him like that. Especially because he would probably not even be disappointed. Would probably not even care, not really. Because it didn’t seem that important. Sure, he did want a new arm (or any arm really, since he couldn’t use his at the moment), but not at the cost of Tony’s sanity.

“And the new one?”, James eventually asked.

“Assuming we can use the connections that are already put in place and just improve them a bit, the new one shouldn’t pose too many problems.”

That was something he’d like to check with Bruce anyway, since it wasn’t really Tony’s main subject. But JARVIS was confident that it would work, so Tony wasn’t too worried.

“Okay. I… I don’t know how well it will work, but I’m willing to try.”

Tony sat up again.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Trust you.”

“What about Bruce?”

“You trust him?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s okay. I mean, I don’t know what you’re gonna tell him, but I guess it’s okay.”

Tony smiled. Yeah, he had no real idea what to tell Bruce either, but he’d cross that bridge when they’d get there. Assuming of course that he’d be able to find Bruce in the first place. He had pretty much vanished after the battle of New York, not that Tony could blame him. Not that he’d done anything else, to be honest. But it meant that he – or rather JARVIS – would have to spend some time looking for the good doctor. He could always check in with SHIELD, they’d probably know, but Tony didn’t really feel like telling them why he was looking for Banner. Or even just bringing their attention on himself in any way. So JARVIS it was.

“Sir?”

“Yeah Jay, what’s up?”

It was one of those rare nights where James could apparently sleep, because he hadn’t been joining Tony in the workshop. It was late, or rather early and Tony had been tinkering around with some stuff, not really concentrating on anything.

“I might have located Doctor Banner near Nha Trang, Vietnam.”

Tony smiled. That was somewhat not surprising. Even if he assumed that Bruce was not there to enjoy the beach and the coral reef.

“You’ve got a way to contact him?”

“Yes sir.”

“Do it.”

It was early evening in Vietnam, so that should be reasonable. He spun around on his stool, waiting for the call to connect. It had been a while since he had last spoken to Banner. Just after New York, neither of them really had the energy to do more than crash on a somewhat comfortable surface and then go back to whatever life they had before. Everything else was so complicated, to dangerous. And Tony had pretty much left the tower in Peppers more than capable hands and fled to Malibu. Banner had taken off pretty soon as well.

“Hello?”

Well, if that didn’t sound mistrustful. Tony had no idea what JARVIS had done to find and contact him, and he hoped he wouldn’t spook him too badly. That was not his intention at all. Especially since he really needed his help.

“Doctor Banner, it’s good to hear you.”

He tried to sound cheerful and easygoing, but he realized that that might be difficult, considering the fact that he hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours during the last few days.

“Stark? Is that you?”

“Yeah.” He trailed off, giving Banner a chance to just hang up and walk away should he want to. He didn’t.

“What do you want?”

Usually Tony would start off with a comment about something definitely not related to what he wanted, but he was too tired for that. Also, this was way too important.

“I need your help.”

And that was obviously not what Banner had expected.

“I… what?”

“I need your help. With something. That I can’t tell you over the phone.”

“That… does not give me a lot to work with, you know?” Tony smiled.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. But… There’s no one else I can ask, really.”

“So you want me to come to New York?”

“Malibu.”

“Malibu… Why?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Right.”

Tony threw his head back, breathing in and out. Yeah, that was not going so well. But then again, he wasn’t sure what else he’d expected.

“You need to give me more to work with here, Stark.” Tony sighed.

“I know, I’m sorry. But I really can’t tell you anything…”

“Is it illegal?”

“I… what?” Tony snorted, even if he did realize that it might not be that funny. He was tired.

“No, it’s not illegal. Not in that sense, anyway.”

“That does not go a long way to assure me, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you need me or…”

“No you, definitely you. Your brain, actually.” And your eyes, but that was also not something Tony wanted to mention over the phone.

“Gamma radiation?”

“No.”

“If it’s not that, I’m not sure you actually need me. I mean, you can probably pick up everything I already know in a couple of days, so…”

If only it was that easy.

“Yeah no, it doesn’t work like that. I can’t do this without you.” He to a deep breath.

“Look, it’s not about me really. It’s… I promised someone I would help them and I can’t do it on my own. I wish I could, but it’s not gonna work.”

There was silence on the other side. Then he could hear Banner sigh.

“Okay. Fine. But you’re paying for the flight.”

Tony grinned.

“I’ll send you the jet.”

“No. No, absolutely do not send me a jet, that is in no way sustainable. Just… just flights, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” First class flights, but whatever. JARVIS would take care of it.

“Thank you”, he added.

Right. And now to the hard part of telling James.


	8. Chapter 8

It turned out he didn’t even have to tell James, because apparently, he had shown up in the workshop sometime during the phone call. Not that Tony had noticed anything, since the guy could be absolutely silent if he wanted to. Listening in to a (private) phone call seemed to be a good enough reason. But then again, it saved Tony the trouble of having to tell him.

“You didn’t tell him.”

“I… I didn’t tell him what?”

“About… about the arm.”

Tony could tell that wasn’t really what James meant, but it was good enough.

“I’m not gonna talk about the arm on a not secured line. Actually, I’m not gonna talk about the arm without your permission, period.”

“But you want him to help.”

“Yes.”

“So you need to tell him.”

“I’ll do that when he’s here.”

James didn’t answer and Tony was not really sure what he was doing. He had heard Jess trot over at some point and he assumed she had gone to check in with James, but other than that he had no idea. He knew the idea of Bruce being around, of Bruce knowing stressed him out, but he didn’t know why. He could guess, of course, but he couldn’t be sure.

Apparently James wasn’t too sure either, because after a while he got up and left the workshop.

“Uh, JARVIS?”

“Sir?”

“In your professional opinion: The hell is going on?”

“I’m assuming you are talking about Sergeant Barnes’ reaction?”

“Yeah.”

There was a brief pause.

“I believe Sergeant Barnes is not entirely comfortable with the idea of Doctor Banner being here. Anyone being here other than you, really. But I also think that he understands the necessity of this encounter.”

“Right… So you don’t really know more than I do…”

“Well. I think Sergeant Barnes has a hard time accepting help. I’d assume that the idea of accepting help from someone he doesn’t know might be even more difficult than accepting help from you. But I also think that he needs it. Needs you, in that sense.”

Tony nodded slowly. Yeah, that did make sense. Accepting help was always hard and both James and Tony himself were not exactly poster boys in that regard. Adding the fact that James was generally mistrustful of doctors – which was not surprising at all, given his history – didn’t make anything easier.

“You think I should talk to him?”

“Not right now, no. Sergeant Barnes had retreated upstairs but not into his room. I don’t think he’d mind the company, but I also don’t think he’s ready to talk yet.”

“So you’re saying I should go watch Disney movies with him?”

“I think that might be helpful for both of you.”

“Sneaky.”

“I try, Sir. Also, I have made travel arrangements for Doctor Banner. He will be arriving tomorrow in the early afternoon.”

“Thanks, Jay.”

“A pleasure, Sir.”

Tony did exactly that. He went upstairs to find James in the kitchen making sandwiches.

“So, next one’s Beauty and the Beast. You up for that?”

“Sure. You want a sandwich?”

“Yeah, thanks. No tomatoes.”

“I know.”

James pressed a cup into his hands before Tony even realized he had moved closer, but somehow that didn’t startle him. He had become so used to the other man’s presence. And he realized with a pang that it would hurt, when he’d leave.

Tony shook his head and took a sip of (perfectly made) coffee. He’d think about that when it happened. Or never, that was also a good idea. For now, they had a movie to watch and sandwiches to eat. For now, it was still easy. 

In the end there wasn’t much more to do than wait. James was obviously nervous, but he didn’t protest, and Tony could not think of anything else to do. So they waited. When JARVIS finally announced Doctor Banners arrival at the airport, they both had had a rather sleepless night and they were tense. Not in a dangerous way, Tony didn’t think, but… tense. James had retreated back to the couch in the workshop and Tony stayed in the kitchen. Not because he didn’t want to spent time with James, but he’d rather not greet Banner out in the open. It was just easier that way, sitting at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee. Jess was lying at his feet, but not sleeping. She had obviously picked up on the tension between them and didn’t really know what to do. It was easier when they were in the same room, then she could split her attention between them. Right now she stayed where she was told to, which was with Tony.

“Sir, Doctor Banner is here.” Right, here we go.

“Can you let him in, Jay?”

“Of course, Sir.”

Tony could here the soft clicking of the front door, Banner talking to JARVIS.

“Hey Jay?”

“Sir?”

“Is James okay?”

“He is calm, if that’s what you mean. I believe it will work out.”

“Right.”

Jess was standing now, obviously confused about the new presence, but she stayed at Tony’s side.

“It’s okay, Jess”, he murmured, just before the footsteps came closer.

“Sir is waiting in the kitchen on your left, Doctor Banner”, JARVIS said, which was just as much of a warning for Tony as it was for Banner.

“Welcome to Malibu”, Tony said as soon as he was reasonably sure that Banner was close enough. He was so used to James that the presence of someone else didn’t just confuse Jess. He’d have to completely relearn another person.

“Stark.” Banner sounded warry, but not hostile, which was more than Tony had expected. Or not, he wasn’t really sure what to expect anymore.

“Did you have a good flight?”

“Yeah… Thanks for the…” Tony waved his hand.

“Ah, don’t worry ‘bout it. Anything you need?”

“You mean apart from knowing what this all is?”

“This all?”

“You asked me to come here for a reason, I assume?”

“Well, yeah…” He paused. That was more difficult than he had expected. What did one sway to explain the presence of an ex-assassin with a metal arm.

His thought process was interrupted by Jess who had suddenly gotten up and was waging he tail.

“Jess”, he started, at the same time as he could hear Banner take a sharp breath.

“It’s okay, it’s just me”, James said from the other side of the kitchen. That was unexpected.

“Jess, libera”, he murmured, and she immediately got up and went over to presumably check on James.

“You okay?” Tony asked.

“Yeah…”

“Uhm…” That was Banner.

“Right. So, James, this is Doctor Bruce Banner.”

James might have nodded or something, Tony wasn’t too sure about that and also definitely not concentrated enough. He did notice James coming over and standing next to him, though.

“And Doctor Banner, this is…” He hesitated for a moment and then decided that it definitely didn’t matter. James would say if he didn’t like it.

“This is Sergeant James Barnes. And also, the dog’s name is Jess.”

“Right. This was not what I anticipated”, Banner finally said. Tony snorted.

“So, I need your help taking the arm off and connecting a new one.”

“That… Tony you know I’m not that kind of doctor.”

“Yeah, but you’re the only one I trust. Also, I don’t just need a doctor, I need your hands, so…”

“My… hands? You’ve said that before, on the phone. Why do you need my hands?”

“Because I’m not trusting the bots with it and I can’t do it on my own.”

“Why not?”

“I… what?” What?

“Why can’t you do it?”

Tony could hear, or rather feel James shift next to him and he desperately wanted to know what the had seen, what was going on.

“Because that stuff’s extremely delicate and you need to see what you’re doing..?” Why was that a question?

“Yes. I don’t see how that’s a reason for you not to do it. I mean…”

“I don’t think he knows”, James suddenly said.

“Knows what?”, Banner said, but James ignored him. Instead, he pressed his left hand softly but firmly to Tony’s back, which was good, because he was slowly losing it. Fuck.

“You don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?!” Now Banner sounded agitated and fuck, this was not how this whole thing was supposed to happen.

“I can’t see.” He was leaning into James’ touch, letting it ground him. It had been a while since he last said that.

“You… you’re blind?” And yes, Banner had obviously not known about that little fun fact. How? Tony had been sure that Fury had told them, or given them the file, or…

“Don’t”, James suddenly snapped and Tony realized that Banner had moved closer, to close. But he was already taking a step back.

“Sorry, I… I… Yeah okay, I didn’t know that… Tony, how long?”

“Yeah, so it turns out palladium is not so easy on the eyes”, he joked – or at least he tried to.

“But… but New York?”

And yeah, that was exactly what Tony did not want to think about right now.

“Don’t”, James repeated, almost growling now.

“Right, sorry.”

“Jess”, James murmured and a moment later her soft and slightly damp nose was pressed against his (trembling?) hands. Were they tag-teaming on him now? (If they were, Tony didn’t really mind. At least not right now.)


	9. Chapter 9

Tony spent some time having a quiet mental breakdown, while JARVIS showed Banner to his room. Or at least he guessed that was what was going on. He mostly focused on the feelings of James’ metal arm under his fingers and Jess pressing her warm body to his. It was fascinating, the way James had taken his hands and put them on the still useless arm. The way it helped, more than anything else (apart from Jess, maybe). The way James knew it would help. No metal arm in space, no metal arm in Afghanistan either. No water, just darkness. But darkness he was familiar with, darkness he could stand. It felt save in a way, the warmth it radiated. Space must have been dark, but it was mostly cold he remembered.

It took a while, but eventually his breathing evened out and he could focus on his surroundings again. James wasn’t talking, but Tony could hear the soft sound of a movie playing in the background. 

“Is that Aladdin?”

He could feel James move next to him, probably turning in his direction. Looking him over.

“Was the next one on the list.”

“Right.” Then: “Where’s Banner?”

“Went to lay down, according to JARVIS.”

“He okay?”

“I don’t think he’s the person you should worry ‘bout right now.”

“… Are you okay?” James snorted.

“Also not who I meant, dumbass. But yeah, I’m fine. How about you?”

Oh. Right. One day Tony would maybe get used to having people around. People who cared about him. But not yet, apparently. Although he was surprisingly calm for the fact that he had just had a breakdown in front of both James and Banner. He’d freak out about that later though.

“Yeah… I’m okay. Thanks.”

James moved again, closer this time. He very lightly pressed his leg against Tony’s.

“You okay to let go?”, he quietly asked. Oh right, he was still grabbing James’ arm. Well done, Stark.

“Yeah”, he murmured and slowly peeled his finger of the cool metal.

“Thanks”, he then added.

“No problem.”

They sat in silence for a while, both not really concentrating on the movie, but letting it play on anyway. Eventually it ended and James got up to look for food.

“JARVIS, could you ask the Doc if he’s hungry? If he’s awake, I mean.”

“Of course, Sergeant Barnes. I will let him know.”

Tony snorted. He turned a bit, looking in James’ direction.

“You’re just gonna push through now?”

“Push through what?”

“The whole thing? It still makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t it?”

“My comfort is not the deciding factor.”

“See and that’s where you got it wrong. Your comfort is very much the deciding factor. Your comfort is the whole reason we’re doing this.”

James hesitated, then came back to sit down on the couch next to Tony.

“The arm”, he said.

“Yeah, the arm. But also, you. Your autonomy.”

“My autonomy.”

Oh, they were back at the non-questions now.

“You know what that means?”

He tried to be as non-judging as possible, but he was also slightly horrified by the idea that James didn’t know. That he didn’t realize. He had tried to make sure he knew he had a choice, but he could always be wrong. God, some things were just so much easier with visual clues.

“I… Independence?” Okay, that was a good start.

“Yeah. It means independence and freedom. It especially means you’ve got a choice. It means self-determination.”

“It means I can choose.”

“Yeah. And nobody else can choose for you. Not me, definitely not HYDRA, not Rogers. But it also means that you should have autonomy over not only your decisions but also your body.”

James was silent next to him, but he did press his leg a bit harder against Tony. He wasn’t too sure if that was a good thing or not, but he’d take it anyway.

“You okay?”, he asked after a while. It kinda felt like James was shaking, but he couldn’t be sure, and he would definitely not touch him without permission, not after that speech he had just delivered.

“I don’t think HYDRA was too big on autonomy”, James said after a moment. His voice was quiet and shaky, almost wet sounding. And shit, what the hell was he supposed to answer to that. He knew how it felt of course, but it was not the same. Not by far.

“James, can I touch you?”

James didn’t answer, at least not verbally. But Tony was pretty sure his head was moving, but that was not enough.

“I’ll need a verbal answer for that”, he quietly added.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can, I…”

“Shh, it’s okay.”

Tony carefully reached out, laid a hand on James’ shoulder. He was definitely shaking now. It was awkward for a moment, then Tony moved his hand over to the other shoulder, feeling metal under his fingers, under the soft fabric of James’ shirt and slowly pulled him into a half hug. He was murmuring soft nonsense, but it seemed to be helping anyway. It didn’t take long for James to calm down, to deepen his breaths and Tony couldn’t help asking himself where he’d learned that. To swallow down the hurt, to freak out quietly like Tony usually did.

“God, we’re a pretty fucked up pair, aren’t we?”, Tony eventually murmured, as James had calmed down.

“I think you’ve both been hurt enough to be allowed to be a bit fucked up”, came a voice from the kitchen. James tensed in his arms, but didn’t move, so Tony assumed he had heard Doctor Banner enter at some point. Tony himself hadn’t, too focused on James. He turned in Banners direction.

“I don’t think it’s a competition”, he said, to both of them. All of them, really. Banner laughed, but not unkindly. More like he was surprised.

“When did you turn into the wise one?”, he asked. Tony snorted.

“Someone has to stay sane around here. And both JARVIS and Jess don’t count.”

James snorted.

“How does JARVIS not count?”

“He’s not a real boy. Also, he’s way too sassy to be sane.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Sir”, JARVIS added, just proving the point. Or at least Tony liked to think so, although he also knew that he would not survive a day without Jay, so maybe his argument didn’t really work.

“Right. So, food?”, Banner asked after a moment. James sat up next to him.

“Yeah, right.” He got up. “Early dinner?”

“Sounds good. You need help?”, Banner wanted to know, as they both moved back to the kitchen.

“Nah, I got it.”

Damn, James was good. Tony sighed, then got up too. He could move relatively free around the house, but it was still hard. Or rather, it was harder now that Banner was here. With James it had felt easy but having two seeing people around made things different. Or at least it felt different to Tony. He could hear James telling Banner to choose another stool, since the one he had apparently chosen was Tony’s and yes, here it was. He didn’t need coddling, didn’t want it but on the other hand, with James it didn’t feel too bad. The way he talked to Banner it seemed more like an offhand comment, not a reminder of the fact that Tony was disabled.

He made his way over to the breakfast bar and sat down on his stool. Yeah okay, it was definitely easier that way. But it still sucked. So he chose to not think about it and rather concentrated on James and the way he was moving around in the kitchen. He had been slowly expanding his cooking, picking up skills left and right. At the moment, he was experimenting with different textures. He seemed to like creamy stuff like melted cheese or well, cream.

“I was thinking ‘bout salmon, that okay with you?”

Tony smiled and nodded, and Banner must have reacted positively too, because James began to pull out ingredients. He was moving around with confidence, melting butter in a pan and cooking the fish in it. He then took it out and built up a sauce with garlic, white wine, cream and cheese, so it didn’t take long for the fragrances to fill up the room. Yeah, Tony was absolutely in favor of James experimenting with food.

They were mostly silent while James cooked. Tony enjoyed listening to the different sounds in the kitchen. It reminded him of Jarvis and the soft little moments as a kid when no one was around and he could spend hours just following Jarvis around, asking questions. It had stopped as soon as he got to boarding school, of course, like a lot of stuff did. But the memories were fond, safe.

He was almost startled when James put a plate in front of him, setting the cutlery next to his hands. James always plated meals the same way, with meat or fish in front. He had never tried to cut something for Tony or to otherwise “help” him, which was good. It had been easy with James. So easy that he had started to eat more again. When he was alone, he tended to fall back on finger food stuff or nutrition bars. Things that didn’t need much attention and were easy to eat.

Now with Banner sitting next to him, it was harder. He felt self-conscious, insecure. But he was also hungry. And pretty sure that Banner would not laugh about him, should this turn out to be too awkward. He was also reasonably sure that he would not go and talk to the press – or anybody else, for that matter.

James and Banner were making small talk, stilted but not uncomfortable. Banner stayed clear of the real questions and in turn James told him about his experiments with cooking, what he liked and what he didn’t. Banner offered to show him some things he had picked up during his travels, which seemed to excite James. And wasn’t that just unfair? Tony love James’ cooking, but he couldn’t help him. JARVIS usually did. All Tony could do was sit around and let others do the work for him. He shifted slightly, debating whether he should just get up and disappear, when he suddenly felt James’ leg press against his. Damn, that guy was too observant. Not only had he obviously picked up Tony’s discomfort, but also found a way to help without drawing attention to it. By copying Jess, apparently.


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay, so you wanna tell me what this is all about?”, Banner finally asked, after the plates were cleared away. Tony was clutching a cup of coffee between his hands and James was petting Jess, who had wandered over at some point during the meal.

“Yeah okay… So how much of the events of DC did you hear about?”

“Well… Something with Helicarriers and Captain America, but otherwise… Something going on with SHIELD.”

“Yeah, that was HYDRA.”

“HYDRA?”

“Yep.”

“That Nazi organization from WWII?”

“Unfortunately, they survived a bit longer.”

James made a sound, but didn’t say anything, so Tony was trusting both JARVIS and Jess to keep an eye on him.

“Okay so basically SHIELD was HYDRA – at least mostly – and they were chasing Cap and the Widow, who were being real annoying. So, they sent the Winter Soldier after them, only it turns out he’s Cap’s long-lost friend and then everything goes down pretty spectacularly. The Winter Soldier disappears, Cap goes looking for him with his two new best friends and… well, if you wanna know how we got from there to here, you’ll have to ask someone else, because I’m not really sure about that. But here we are. And now James needs a new arm, because frankly, that thing HYDRA gave him is a piece of shit. Fucking butcherers.”

James snorted. Okay, that was not a bad sign. Hopefully.

“And… the Winter Soldier is?”

“Me”, James said at the same time Tony answered: “An assassin. A heavily brainwashed one, though.”

“Still my hands.”

“Yeah, no. That was not you, James.”

James huffed. Tony could hear Banner shift uncomfortably next to him and realized that maybe talking about a brainwashed killing machine was not exactly the polite thing to do next to a guy who could turn into _the_ green killing machine. Although maybe it would help. Couldn’t hurt for Banner to realize he was not to be blamed about the Hulk’s rage, just as much as it was not James fault what HYDRA had done to him.

“You did not choose to kill those people. You did not choose to do what they told you. They made you. So no, you’re not the Winter Soldier.”

“Right.” James definitely didn’t sound convinced, but he wasn’t arguing as well. Tony hoped it was because he could somewhat see the point and not because he just didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“You said he was brainwashed?”, Banner said, just before the silence grew awkward.

“Yeah. I… I can show you the files?”, he asked, more in James’ direction than Banners.

“Yeah. Just… not when I’m…”

“Of course.”

“So yeah, I can show you the files, but you’re not gonna like it.”

Banner made a low humming sound in the back of his throat, before standing up and moving around in the kitchen. Making tea, maybe? Yep, gross leave water, called it.

“And you want to detach the arm?” That seemed like a rather abrupt change of topic. But James probably wasn’t the only one feeling uncomfortable about that conversation, so it did make sense.

“Ideally, I want to reattach a new one.”

“You already make one?”

“It’s mostly done. I… well, I was kinda waiting on your input.”

“I’m really not that kind of doctor, Tony”, he said, sounding fond.

“Yeah well you’re the one I trust. Also, all I really need is a second pair of eyes to look at it. Or, you know. Whatever.” He rolled his eyes at James giggling, but grinned widely at him. To hear the most feared assassin of the last century giggle was really a treat. And maybe it was a good thing that they could laugh about it.

“So, will you do it?”, Tony asked after the laughter had died down. He didn’t want to break the good mood, but he needed an answer. James needed an answer.

“Yes. As long as you take care of the actual engineering part and tell me what to do. And I want to take a look at it before we do anything.”

That- was better than Tony had expected.

“Yeah, absolutely. I’d like you to take a look anyway, just in case we missed something.”

Banner went to bed pretty soon after that conversation. He claimed jetlag as a reason, but Tony was pretty sure that was not the only one. But it didn’t matter. He wasn’t unhappy to have a moment to look after James, to make sure he was okay. Or rather, to make sure they were both okay. The day had definitely taken its toll and they were both tired. Exhausted really. But he also wasn’t too sure about how to react. Usually at that time they were in the workshop and James would remind Tony that sleep was a thing, an important one. They’d stumble upstairs for a cup of tea or hot chocolate before parting ways. But there was no workshop, no reminder.

“Hot chocolate?”, Tony asked after Banner had gone to bed, after they had been sitting in silence for almost five minutes. James jumped up before Tony had even finished speaking.

“Yeah, good idea.”

It was clearly a distraction and Tony desperately wanted to know what James was distracting him (or himself) from. But without visual clues (or verbals clues from James himself, but that seemed rather unlikley) he’d have to relate on JARVIS, who didn’t give out personal information like that. Even when Tony should know. Or at least he argued he should. JARVIS seemed to have a different view on that, the traitor.

A couple of minutes later Tony had a streaming cup of hot chocolate in front of him. It smelled rich, deep, which was mostly due to the fact that James made it with real milk and real chocolate, slowly melting away in a pot, with spices added, depending on their mood. Today it was soft, vanilla mixed with cinnamon, nothing to extreme, just sweet and comforting.

They lingered over warm drinks and soft conversation with no point, no goal other than to delay the moment where they’d have to part ways, where they would both go in different directions. Close, but still too far away. It didn’t last forever, of course. It never did. Eventually James put his cup into the dishwasher, spent a moment saying good night to Jess, who was sleeping away in her basket and then passed behind Tony, fingers glazing over his skin for a moment, a soft “sleep well” just before he vanished into the night, into the darkness of the mansion. Tony sighed.

“Come on, let’s go to bed, Jess.”

He left the door open, just as usual. Buried himself into the sheets, the fabric cool and sleek on his skin. 

He was almost asleep when the door was pushed open, slowly, almost silently. Jess lifted her head but didn’t leave the bed. There were soft steps on the carpet, calm but deliberate. As if they wanted to be heard.

“James?”

“Sorry.”

James sounded insecure, hesitant, but he didn’t leave again. He just stood there, not moving. Tony sat up.

“Are you okay?”

Jess wasn’t reacting, not really, so Tony didn’t think it was too bad, but he also couldn’t be sure. James usually didn’t show up in this room in the middle of the night unless Tony was having a nightmare. But James didn’t answer.

“You wanna come here?”, Tony finally asked, as it became clear that James couldn’t – or didn’t want to – answer. He might have nodded, but he did move, slowly coming closer. The bed dipped as James was shuffling closer, carefully.

“I’m sorry”, he murmured, but at the same time he moved closer, pressed himself against Tony’s side without being too close, without suffocating him. Just being here, sharing body heat. Tony could feel his breath against his arm, soft and calm. Whatever this was, it wasn’t a nightmare or a flashback. James was definitely here.

“Sorry for what?”, Tony whispered.

“I- I don’t know. I shouldn’t be here.”

“Says who?”

He didn’t answer, just buried his head a bit closer, a bit deeper in Tony’s shoulder.

“Will you tell me something?”, he asked after a while, calmer now. Soft.

“Tell you what?”

“What happened?”

Tony hesitated.

“What happen with- with what?”

There was no answer, but he could feel the warmth of an almost touch, just before it happened. James’ fingers were cool against the side of his temple, just shy of his eyes. Yeah, okay. He swallowed.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“No it’s- it’s okay.” He took a deep breath. “Do you know what happened with that?” He tapped the arc reactor. James’ head moved against his shoulder, but he couldn’t say in which direction.

“Words, James.”

“No. I- Something about Iron Man? They were- your threat level changed.”

Tony smiled. Good.

“Yeah, something with Iron Man. The beginning of Iron Man, actually. I- I used to make weapons. Or rather, Stark Industries did, which basically means I did. I was captured in Afghanistan, after a weapons presentation.”

He could feel James’ sharp intake of breath, the deadly stillness he suddenly radiated. That whole conversation would not be easy on both of them. But maybe it was necessary. Maybe James needed to know.

“There was a bomb. I- there’s shrapnel in my blood, in my veins. The arc reactor is basically a glorified magnet. It keeps the shrapnel from moving into my heart and-“ He broke off. James was so tense next to him; Tony wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. He lifted a hand and carefully touched James’ shoulder, his hair.

“Hey. Hey James, it’s okay. Deep breath, baby, everything’s okay.”

He had no idea where that endearment had come from. Or no, that was not true. He knew where it came from, but it should not have slipped out. Thankfully James was too out of it to notice it, or so it seemed at least. And that was the only good thing about that whole situation. Fuck, he should have just not said anything, he should have deflected. If he was hurting James- no, he could not think about that right now.

James suddenly moved. Pressed his head back into Tony’s neck and his hand next to the arc reactor. Carefully, as if the slightest pressure could hurt him.

“You could die”, he whispered, gently, as if the words would become reality when spoken too loudly. Tony swallowed.

“Yeah. Yeah, I could die, but James, everyone could. The arc reactor is not going to be the thing that kills me, not anymore.”

“But- the shrapnel-“

“Stays where it is, thanks to the reactor. As long as the light is on, everything is okay.”

“But you don’t know. You- you can’t see if the light is on.” Tony smiled.

“That’s why I have you and JARVIS. Also, if it goes out, I notice. But it’s not going to. It works just as it should.”

James nodded slowly against his chest. Then he froze up again.

“You said not anymore.” Ups. But then again, James had wanted to know about his eyes.

“It- it used to run on palladium. The core. Palladium is a metal, which was used in some of the weapons SI made. Anyway, it powered the arc reactor, until I figured out that it was also poisoning me.”

James made a low whining sound, almost like a hurt animal. Tony immediately moved up his hand, stroking over his hair, trying to sooth him.

“It’s okay. I figured it out, synthesized a new element, it’s all good now.”

“But…”

He moved his hand up again, touched his temple.

“Yeah. Yeah, it was too late for that.”

It was the first time that Tony had really told that story to someone. Rhodey and Pepper knew of course, and so did Happy. But they had been there, they had seen the damage done by the palladium, by Tony really. James only knew him like that.

“I’m sorry.”

Tony turned his head a bit, let James’ fingers glide over his forehead, into his hair.

“Sorry for what?”, he asked, again.

“I’m sorry that you had to go through that.”

“It’s not your fault...?” James huffed, rubbed his head against Tony like a cat.

“I know. But I’m still sorry.”

“I don’t need pity”, Tony said, but it was more of a reflex, not really meant that way.

“It’s not pity. It’s- admiration, if anything at all.”

And that made him pause. What?

“What?”

“You’re strong. You made it through, and it didn’t make you hard or cold, it- it made you compassionate.”

Tony swallowed. Those were strong words, even for the middle of the night.

“I-“

“Don’t. Just believe me. Or at least, believe that’s how I see you.”

“Fuck.”

James huffed again, a soft and fond sound.


	11. Chapter 11

James was gone when Tony woke up in the morning, not that he had expected anything else. They had fallen asleep still huddled together, shortly after James’ revelation and Tony had slept – well, actually. No nightmares, no waking up every half hour. Just rest.

He hesitated for a moment, before getting up and going down to the kitchen. He could hear James and Banner talking to each other over the sound of cooking. It smelled like coffee and French toast. It smelled like home, Tony realized.

Jess was moving ahead of him, announcing their presence. James was laughing at her antics as Tony entered the kitchen.

“Good morning” James said, just before he pressed a cup of coffee into his hands. “Breakfast’s almost done.”

Banner make a low almost chocking sound, before apparently catching himself.

“Good morning Tony”, he then said. Tony could hear the way he was grinning in his voice, but it was way too early (and confusing) to try and figure out what was so funny. So instead he murmured a soft “morning” back and went to sit down in his usual place. A plate appeared in front of him just a moment later, the toast still sizzling, soaked in maple syrup.

“Aren’t you two domestic,” Banner muttered, before laughing at something James must have done. The hell was Tony missing here? He took a sip of coffee, hoping that that might help him. It didn’t, of course. But it tasted fucking amazing (just as the French toast did), so Tony was still counting it as a win. Even if his friends were morons who were laughing about him.

But at least it seemed to mean James was okay with Banner now. He joined them on their daily walk down to the beach, apparently enjoying the sand under his feet just as much as Tony usually did. They spent some time in comfortable silence, before relocating to the workshop, where Bruce looked over the work Tony and JARVIS had done so far. He didn’t look directly at the arm, mostly because even though James was more comfortable with him, the arm was still a sore subject. Or maybe it just made him feel vulnerable, like the reactor did for Tony.

He remembered how James’ hand had brushed over the reactor last night. Not covering it, just softly touching it. That had not been a bad feeling. In fact, it had felt good, in a way. Safe. God, today seemed to be the day for revelations.

“Okay, I think I can work with that,” Bruce said after a while, derailing Tony’s train of thoughts.

“Work with what?”

“Your work, Tony.” He sounded amused. Why did he always sound amused?

“That’s- good?”

“Yeah Tony, it is. It means we can get to work as soon as you finish the new arm. Assuming you’ll want to directly attach it, that is?”

Tony nodded.

“Yeah, that was the plan. I mean, it’s gonna be detachable anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. But I want it done, so James can choose.”

“That makes sense. One question though.”

“Shoot.”

“James, you nixed the sedative?”

“Yes.”

“You do realize that what we’re gonna do is basically open surgery, right?”

“I know. But- I can’t wake up and find that something’s changed. Even if I know it will, I-“

“Yeah okay, I understand that.” He hesitated.

“It won’t be easy on you, but it should be doable. Tony did a very good job of analyzing the arm, so we do have a quite deep understanding of it. That will definitely help. It might be good if you have something else to concentrate on, maybe some music or a movie.”

“Not the next one on the list”, Tony interrupted. James huffed, laughing softly.

“Why not?”

“It’s lion king.”

“Yeah, not the next one on the list”, Bruce repeated.

“Why?”

“Just trust us. It’s good, it’s really good, but I don’t think it’ll make for a great distraction.”

“Okay… I can watch Snow White, maybe. I- I think I’ve seen it before?”

“You might have. It came out in pretty early, right?”

“Correct Sir. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs came out in December 1937”, JARVIS said.

“Snow White it is, then.”

They spent some time setting everything up, while James disappeared upstairs, presumably to make lunch. They worked in silence for a while, both of them concentrating on their part. They were planning to take off the arm tomorrow.

It was Bruce who broke the silence after a while.

“So, James just showed up one day? How did that happen?”

Tony snorted, rolling his eyes.

“More or less, yeah. I didn’t have JARVIS fully installed at that time, so James found a way in and showed up in my kitchen.”

“When was that?”

Tony hesitated. “A while ago…”

“A while ago meaning what? A couple of days? Weeks?”

Weeks, probably. But Tony kind of had stopped counting after a while. Months was probably more accurate.

“Why is that important?”

“Because the Winter Soldier is an internationally searched for criminal. And you’re just roommates with him, apparently.”

“James is not the Winter Soldier.”

“Hm.”

“Bruce.” Shit. If Bruce would tell someone, they were fucked.

“Relax, I’m not gonna tell anyway. But I do think you should. I think you should talk to Steve, at the very least.”

“James doesn’t want to.”

“Since when do you listen to what you’re told?”

“Since it concerned someone who has been a prisoner of war for seventy years. Someone who has been brainwashed and tortured and has every right to choose for himself, to never have a decision taken away ever again,” he said, probably sounding angrier than the meant to. He had really thought that Bruce would understand though, that he would be able to relate to what had happened to James.

“Okay. Tony it’s okay. I’m just trying to see what is going on here. I- James trusts you.”

“Is that really so surprising?”

“No. I didn’t say that. I trust you. Hulk trusts you, for all that is worth.”

“That’s worth a whole lot, and you know it.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, all I did was treating him like any decent person would. Just- he’s a human being. Yes, he’s seen some shit, but all he really seems to want is rest. He’s- Bruce, he’s like a kid sometimes. He enjoys the simple things, spends day after day rediscovering stuff. Food, nature. It’s really beautiful to witness, actually.”

“That is true”, Bruce said, with a soft note in his voice. As if he was talking about more than just James enjoying new things. As if all of this was about more.

They were silent for a long while, before Bruce spoke up again.

“I- Do you realize how he looks at you?”

“What? I- What do you mean?”

“So you don’t.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I- Bruce, I can’t know how he looks, you do realize that, right?”

“I know, it’s just-“

“It’s just what?”

“Never mind, maybe it’s nothing.”

“Yeah, that’s not fair.” Bruce huffed.

“He looks at you as if you’re important. And of course you are, but… I don’t know, something about the way he looks at you makes me think that he sees you as someone really special.”

What? That made Tony pause. Not because he couldn’t think of a reason why James would do that (although, to be honest, this was way more about being the first decent human and not about Tony. Or it wouldn’t be for much longer, at least), but because Bruce apparently couldn’t.

“I- yes? I mean, why wouldn’t I be-“ He broke off. Way to go, Stark, talking as if you’re the most important person in the universe.

“No, I mean of course you’re important. I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t.”

“But?”

“I don’t mean important in the sense of- I’m saying it wrong. He looks at you as if you’re important for him. Not because of the arm or because you’re helping him. More like- you’re important because you’re you.”

Tony wasn’t too sure if that made sense. How was Tony important because he was Tony? That- made no sense.

“That makes no sense,” he said. Bruce snorted.

“I think he likes you, Tony.”

“I- I hope he does...?”

“Like, he like likes you.”

What? “What? Bruce, the hell?”

“He’s got a crush on you.”

“He what now?”

That- No. That could not be possible. Could it?

“That- Bruce, I’m the only decent person he knows right now. I- that’s not possible. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean, it’s just a crush. Or rather, it’s the way he looks at you that makes me think so. I didn’t ask him, so-“

“Don’t! Don’t ask him that. He- Look, even if that is true, it’s not about me. It’s not- It doesn’t matter. He’ll move on eventually. As soon as the new arm works, I guess. I mean, Rogers is still looking for him. And- Really Bruce, I don’t matter.”

“You do matter, Tony. Especially because you did all that. Because you were here when he needed someone to listen.”

“Exactly. If it had been someone else, he would have latched on them.”

Bruce huffed. Tony was pretty sure he could even hear him roll his eyes.

“Right. If that’s what you wanna believe. I’m just telling you what I see.”

“Well I think you should get your eyes checked”, Tony joked and with that, the conversation seemed to be over. And if James had taken a silent retreat back upstairs after hearing the end of the conversation, then that was between him and JARVIS. Neither Tony nor Bruce had noticed him.


	12. Chapter 12

They set James up on the couch in the workshop. Bruce might have preferred a chair, but James (and Tony) had nixed that pretty fast. So the couch it was. He had headphones and the movie playing. Tony was sitting on his right side, since right not he was mostly here for the emotional support rather than anything else. Just as Jess was. She was curled up between them, her head resting on James’ tight.

Bruce was sitting on the other side and was doing the actual work part of the whole thing. Well, he and JARVIS. Tony was mostly responsible for giving input, relaying the data feeds JARVIS gave him and making sure James wasn’t freaking out too much.

Bruce and JARVIS were quietly telling them, what they were doing. James was calm, at least on the outside. He didn’t move, his breathing was regular, if somewhat faster than usual. But his left hand was lying in Tony’s, gently gripping his arm as if it was his only lifeline. And maybe it was. Not only were they not using any sedation, but pain killers also didn’t work on him. Although maybe that wouldn’t have been helpful anyway.

“It’s not hurting, not really. More- it feels weird, somehow?”

“Weird how?”, Bruce wanted to know.

“I don’t know. Like- like when your arm falls asleep maybe.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Tell us if that changes, okay?”, Tony added. James gently squeezed his arm, as a sign that he had heard him.

It didn’t actually take Bruce very long to detach the arm. They were keeping most of the shoulder part, since that was definitely not replaceable without surgery. After taking away to old arm, Bruce would rework the attach mechanism with JARVIS’ help, before Tony would attach the new arm. He had spent most of the previous day (and half the night, until James had come to drag him to bed) working on it, to make sure he was offering James the best possible work he could do. He was sure it still wasn’t, there was always something better (or someone. Although that had become harder to do after Howard’s- no, not the moment).

Bruce declared himself done just shortly before the princess was saved by the prince. James had long since taken Tony’s hand and held on. He was tense, but still said it didn’t hurt. That of course didn’t mean it wasn’t uncomfortable, but the worst part was done. Well, unless he hated the new arm. Or- God, why was Tony suddenly so nervous about the whole thing? He didn’t know, but if in doubt, he was sure it was either Bruce’s or JARVIS’ fault. Probably Bruce, since he had been distracting him with his talk about James having a crush and all that. Ugh.

“Okay, I think it might be a good idea if we take a break now”, Bruce said, as soon as he was done, and James had relaxed. A bit. A very tiny bit, to be honest.

“Can’t you just finish it now?”, James wanted to know. But even Tony could tell that was probably not a good idea.

“I think Bruce is right. Let’s do lunch and finish after that, okay?”

James took a deep breath, as if trying to ground himself back into the presence.

“Okay.” 

They went upstairs. Jess’ paws were making clicking sounds on the floor and James was still gripping Tony’s hand. He also seemed to have slight problems with his balance, but that was to be expected. It might even remain for at least a while after he got the new arm, since it would be quite a bit lighter. Which had kind of been the goal of the whole thing. Well, among others.

Since James was out of lunch duties, Bruce was taking over. He made some kind of curry, the smell of spices filling the air after just a short moment. It seemed to help James, who started to ask about the different spices and ingredients. Bruce was talking about India and traditions and colors and slowly, James’ death grip loosened. Tony was almost sad to lose the touch, but he told himself that this was not about him. It was about James, and James was doing so, so good. He had come so far in such a short time; it was really pretty incredible.

Since Bruce insisted on a real lunchbreak, they relocated in front of the TV and finished the movie James had been watching. Or at least pretending to be watching. But Tony had to agree that the break had probably not been a bad idea, since James fell asleep with the bowl of curry still in his lap and the movie credits just starting to roll. He was leaning against Tony, his left side pressed against him, which honestly, was really quite flattering. Not the fact that he was leaning on him, or even falling asleep. But the fact that James felt safe enough to fall asleep with not only a more or less stranger in the room, but also while being down an arm. And of course, his arm had been useless for quite a while now, but Tony was pretty sure that is wasn’t the same. Having an arm you couldn’t use versus having no arm at all. But then again, it might be completely different for James. But still, it was flattering. Even if Bruce seemed to find the whole thing rather funny.

“Are you laughing at us?” Bruce snickered. Snickered. Really?

“I- no, sorry. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“He’s falling asleep on you like an oversized kitten.”

“What?”

Bruce shifted, plucking bowls right out of James’ lap and Tony’s hand.

“He’s curling into you and everything. It’s rather cute, really.”

“It’s rather cute, he says. You know it the greatest assassin of the last century you’re talking about here, right?”

Bruce snorted.

“Sure. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s cuddling you.”

“I-“ What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

“It’s not a bad thing, Tony. It’s actually a really good thing. He trusts you.”

“Yeah, he does. I do, too.”

“That’s good. I’m gonna go lay down for a while, okay? JARVIS can tell me when you’re ready to continue.”

And with that, Bruce got up and left. And Tony couldn’t move, couldn’t even reach for his tablet and get some work done, because the greatest assassin of the last century had fallen asleep on him. How was that his life?

In the end, Tony didn’t have much choice but to fall asleep, too. With James at his side and Jess at his feet, it was a rather easy thing to do as well. Too easy maybe, but that was something Tony would worry about later. Or not.

James woke him up some time later.

“Wha-?”

“Bruce said we could continue with the arm, if you’re up to it”, James said, obviously choosing to not draw attention to the fact that they had fallen asleep on each other like the old married couple during TV nights. Although, that might be because James would not get the reference. Let’s go with that.

“Sure. Are you up to it?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

He sounded excited even. Which would make sense, the guy had been without a functioning arm for weeks now. Months? Either way, it was way too long, especially for Tony’s standards.

The second part was almost easy in comparison. Bruce was still in charge of the actual hands on stuff, but Tony and JARVIS were now much more involved than before, running diagnostics and making sure everything was working how it should. James was not watching movies this time. Instead, he seemed to be focused on the quiet conversation happening between Tony, JARVIS and Bruce. Tony was absolutely planning on explaining as much as he possibly could to James, so he could understand what was happening (and take care of any upcoming maintenance issues, after he left and Tony wasn’t around anymore. Well, wasn’t that a depressing thought.)

There weren’t that many moments in which Tony really regretted not being able to see. James using his new arm for the first time was one of them (scratch that, not being able to see James in general was one of them. Maybe the most important.) But hearing the smile in his voice, the quiet awe, was worth it either way. And it wasn’t as if Tony wouldn’t have JARVIS describe everything in greatest possible detail later on, when he was alone.

But in the end, all of that didn’t really matter. What mattered was James’ almost silent, whispered “Thank you, Tony” and the soft kiss he pressed to Tony’s cheek, leaving it warm and possibly bright red, if Bruce’s quiet laughter was anything to go by.


	13. Chapter 13

Bruce had apparently decided to give them some time alone, since he didn’t show up for breakfast the next day, even though JARVIS assured them that he was still around. Tony wouldn’t have minded seeing him, if only for him to make sure that everything was alright with James’ arm. Which of course, JARVIS was monitoring and assuring Tony that everything was perfectly alright and working how it was supposed to. As it should be, it was StarkTech, after all. Not that Tony was worried or anything, it was just- Okay no, he wasn’t even trying to come up with an excuse, he was definitely worried. But if his thoughts were running more alongside of “what if he leaves now, he doesn’t need me anymore”, nobody needed to know about that, thank you very much, JARVIS.

In the end, it took James practically dragging him down to the beach for Tony to calm down a bit. The waves lapping at his feet, Jess running circles around them and James’ hand, steady at his back, did a great deal to make him feel better.

Only for James to ruin it all again with his question:

“What’s got you so twisted up, doll?”

That had Tony stopping dead on his tracks.

“Wha-“

“Brooklyn,” was the only thing Tony got out, which had James laughing at him. Great.

“I- I didn’t realize I the accent bothered you.” Tony snorted. Bothering was not the word he’d be using for sure.

“It’s new”, he said instead. “Also, what’s with the pet name?”

“Doll? Sorry, I didn’t even realize, I’ll stop-“

Tony shook his head. Obviously it still didn’t take much to make James feel insecure, since he had just gone from joking (and flirting?) to chagrined and self-doubting within moments.

“No, it’s fine, I don’t mind at all. It’s just- well, new, I guess. But I like it.”

“You do?”

Okay, and back to flirty and hopeful.

“Sure. Makes me feel real special. Unless you’ll go calling Bruce pet names now…” He grinned. “I’m just joking, you can call anyone whatever you like and feel comfortable with, it’s really fine.”

“I’m not gonna call Bruce ‘doll’ or anything. It’s- I don’t know, it just feels right when it’s you, I guess. Is that weird?”

“I- no, I don’t think so… I mean, whatever feels good to you, right?”

But that was the question, wasn’t it? James had not known a lot of kindness during the last couple of decades, so him latching on the first person to treat him like- a human being, if not more, was not really surprising. He soaked kindness up like a dried sponge and while Tony loved that, he also desperately did not want to take advantage of him. He’d never forgive himself if that would happen. And yet, he wasn’t sure if it hadn’t already happened. Because if Bruce was right and James did in fact have… a crush on him, as crazy as that sounded, then that could become a problem. Because if Tony was honest with himself, that crush was no entirely unrequited. And if Tony somehow pushed or coerced James into a relationship or into- And that was the point where he had to stop.

James was making a concerned noise next to him and Jess was suddenly at his side as well, gently but firmly pushing him away from the water. Fuck, water. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe anymore, couldn’t- couldn’t-

“Tony. Tony, it’s okay. Here, can you feel my hands? It’s okay, I’m not gonna restrict you, I’m just- there you go, that’s Jess. You know Jess, right, you trust her. It’s okay, whatever you’re seeing is not real. Just- try to breathe, okay? Can you hear me breathe; can you concentrate on that?”

He tried to latch onto that voice, tried to do what he was told, but it was hard. His feet were still wet, even if he couldn’t feel the waves anymore. But the warm sand underneath his hands wasn’t exactly better. At least it wasn’t cold, wasn’t empty.

He could feel someone shift next to him, moving behind him. He whimpered, tried to curl into himself and be a smaller target, but then the voice was back, making soft, soothing noises.

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere, I’m just holding you. Not holding you down, okay, never holding you down, I’m just trying to ground you. Here, breathe with me.”

He could feel the person taking deep, exaggerated breaths and Jess pressing to his front, licking his face. Wet, but different. Not bad wet, just- Jess. James.

“James”, he croaked, his voice sounding off and as if from far away.

“Oh hey, I’m here, it’s fine. Do you need anything, am I smothering you? Do you want me to let go?”

He moved as if to give Tony more space, which would have been the thing he wanted with everybody else, but now he just whimpered again and latched on James’ arms, holding him where he was.

“Okay, I’m not going anywhere.” He sounded- relieved?

James sat behind him, letting him lean against him, letting him feel the way he breathed, the way he spoke. He held him close, but for the first time in way too long, Tony didn’t feel trapped. He felt- safe.

He didn’t know how long they sat there, listening to James’ breath and the waves rolling onto the beach. But it didn’t take long for his breathing to become regular, unhurried again. It didn’t take long for him to feel in control again. To feel like he could go on. But the thing was, he also didn’t feel like he had to. Sure, at some point they were going to get up and move back to the house, but it didn’t feel like- like he had to do it alone, maybe. Or like he had to go on for someone else’s sake, just as much as for his own. So they wouldn’t worry, so they wouldn’t spent too much time thinking about him, judging him. James didn’t judge him. Or if he did, he did so quietly, so that Tony couldn’t pick up on it.

But still, they had to go back at some point. So far, James hadn’t asked about the panic attack or the reasons for it, but Tony could feel that he was tense next to him, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They had lunch with Bruce, who was so engrossed in his tablet that he hardly even acknowledged them – even though he had been the one to prepare lunch for three. Well, that was scientists for you, right there.

Tony went down to the workshop after lunch and only really realized that something wasn’t right, when he noticed that James had stopped following him. He turned around, frowning, just as he could hear metal rasping against glass – James letting him know he was standing at the entrance to his workshop, but not inside.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- I don’t know, you tell me. Do you even-“

“Do I even what?” Tony took a sharp breath, frown deepening. Did he even what?

“Want me there? Here, I mean.” What?

“Why would I not want you here,” he asked.

“You had a panic attack because of me.”

The way James said that, as if just stating a fact, broke Tony’s heart. As if it was a foregone conclusion that it was James’ fault, that James had to go.

“No I didn’t.”

“Tony-“

“No. James, come here,” he said, holding out a hand. They rarely actually held hands, even though they touched each other quite frequently. And it was nerve-wracking, standing there not knowing what James was doing, if he was even still there. But then, after a moment, there was movement and James’ cool metal fingers touched Tony’s hand. Tony almost grabbed him, willing him to stay, to not run away. But he settled on just loosely holding his hand.

“Couch,” he murmured. James led them over and sat down next to him, tense, but apparently willing to listen. That was enough, that had to be enough. Even if he decided to leave, Tony did not want him to believe for even a second that any of that was his fault. He took a deep breath.

“I did not have a panic attack because of you,” he said and yeah, talking about that shit was still difficult. But necessary, now more than ever.

“Panic attacks don’t work like that. Sure, there are triggers and stuff, but mostly it just happens, can happen anytime. Just because you were there doesn’t mean it was your fault.”

“But-” he hesitated. Tony waited, willing to hear what was worrying him.

“We were talking about-“ He broke off again and Tony could feel James’ hand flexing in his, as if he wanted to pull away.

“We were talking about… You calling me ‘doll’, right?”

There was a soft rustling sound, so James might have nodded – or shook his head for that matter, but he didn’t say anything.

“You think I had a panic attack because we were talking about- about flirting?” That sounded even more stupid out loud than it had in his head. That couldn’t possibly be what James was thinking, could it?

“I know I shouldn’t have, I know it’s wrong, it’s just-“ He stopped again and this time, he did pull his hand back as well. Okay, apparently that was indeed what he was thinking. The fuck? But just then Tony realized that in the end, James was born and bred in the first half of the last century, where being queer was still very much a problem.

“It’s not wrong,” he said quietly. “You are allowed to flirt with me. If I didn’t like it, I’d tell you, okay? And I said it’s okay, it’s fine.”

“But it’s-“

“It’s what?” A sin? Unnatural?

“Wrong,” James said, and he sounded defeated, lost. And young, so incredibly young. There he was, after growing up during the depression, fighting – and presumably dying – in World War II, being captured and tortured and brainwashed by HYDRA and still coming out on the other side, still here, still fighting. He had fought and survived so much, but apparently the thought of being queer was too much. God, Tony hurt for that boy.

He took a breath and carefully, very carefully reached out and put his hand on James’ knee. He tensed, but didn’t push him away, so Tony decided to count that as a win.

“Liking men is not wrong, James. Neither is liking women for that matter. Or no one. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with being queer, being gay or bi or non-binary or- or anything, really. You can and should be whoever you want, and you can and should like whoever you want.”

James didn’t move, Tony wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. But he was willing to wait however long it took, willing to answer any questions James might have. Willing to do almost everything to at least make that little things better, make it hurt less.

“That is- allowed?” James finally asked, in a voice so quiet and insecure that Tony wouldn’t have heard it, if he hadn’t paid attention. He gently squeezed James’ knee.

“Yes, that is allowed. Laws began to change in the 60s, although it took a while till everyone came around. Same-sex marriage is not recognized everywhere yet, but it’s legal here in California for example.”

“Marriage?”

“Yeah. I mean, that’s just an example. What I mean to say it that yes, being queer is allowed.”

James was quiet for a moment, but he was breathing softly again, so Tony wasn’t too worried. After a while he said: “So, I’m allowed to kiss a fella, now?”

Tony grinned. Right to the business, Barnes.

“Yeah. I mean, you still need that fella’s consent, you can’t just go around kissing people without asking, that will definitely get you in trouble and is not okay. But yeah, if he wants it too, you can.”

James made a soft humming sound and Tony wondered, what he was thinking about. Wondered if he had just opened the door for the romance of the ages between Cap and James. That- would be okay. It wasn’t as if Tony’s crush was leading anywhere, anyhow, so it didn’t matter.

“So, can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Kiss you.” Or so he thought.

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

Oh, what the hell. “I- yeah, okay.”

He could hear James laughing softly, all worries forgotten, and then soft lips found his and yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but damn if it didn’t feel good.


	14. Chapter 14

James was moving very carefully, barely touching him anywhere else than on the lips, and still it felt as if he was holding on for dear life. He made a soft, almost hurt sound when Tony moved away, but he didn’t flinch, didn’t say anything when Tony touched his face. Was it too much? Did he just realize that this wasn’t what he had wanted after all?

“Are you okay?”

“You stopped.”

“Yeah. I need to know that you’re okay, James. I can’t see you, I can’t-“ He broke of, closed his eyes for a second. “I can’t hurt you.”

“You said it’s okay. You said it’s- allowed.”

“I did. I just need to know it’s okay for you, too, that’s all.”

“I- I started it?”

Tony smiled. It was kind of heartbreaking how confused James was. Cute too, but mostly heartbreaking, considering that he had had no choice whatsoever for the last seventy years.

“You did. But two minutes ago, you also thought it was still illegal, so I kinda need to make sure that you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

Tony smiled. It didn’t sound as if James was lying and he was leaning into Tony’s hand, so he probably was okay.

“Do you wanna kiss some more?”

Again, probably bad idea, but Tony had never been known for impulse control. And better to realize now that he wasn’t, what James wanted, then to keep on wondering.

“Yes, please.”

“So polite,” Tony said and leaned in. The second kiss was just as slow, just as soft as the first one. But better, since Tony could be reasonably sure that James was in fact not freaking out.

They somehow ended up laying on the couch, limbs entangled and leaning into each other. It was still soft, still without intent – or at least, without the intent of sex – and Tony wasn’t quite sure when he had last felt so good.

It felt easy, somehow. Easy to just lay there and kiss. Easy enough apparently that James felt comfortable to ask: “Will you tell me what happened?” And couldn’t that just mean everything?

“What happened when?” Please don’t let it be Afghanistan. Or New York, for that matter.

“On the beach.”

Oh. The panic attack. Okay, that wasn’t much easier, but maybe necessary.

“I- I was worried.”

“Worried about what?”

Tony hesitated. How the hell was he supposed to be honest about that, without James misunderstanding his role. It hadn’t been his fault, it was just Tony’s fucked up brain. And well, his worry was still valid.

“I was thinking about the fact that you were flirting with me and I wasn’t sure if that was because you actually want- well you know, me. Or if you were just kinda latching on the first person to show you kindness.”

James was silent next to him and definitely not as relaxed as just a minute ago, but he hadn’t moved away yet. Tony waited, not sure if he should try to reassure James now or if that would be counterproductive.

“You think I only like you because you’re- what, nice to me?”

Tony shook his head.

“No… I’m just- worried about it.”

“Why?”

“Because you deserve more than just to settle for me because I’m- I don’t know, the first decent person you met.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

James almost sounded offended. Tony smiled.

“I believe you.”

He reached out and pulled James close.

“I believe you. But you asked and I answered. And we did talk about agency, right? About the fact that you have the right to choose for yourself, to make your own decisions. And besides, panic attacks don’t exactly follow the rules of logic.”

“But you are my decision.”

And wow, didn’t that just sound final. Not bad, not bad at all, but- you know, final. As if it was all a forgone conclusion. It also sounded somewhat confused.

“That’s good. That’s perfect, James.”

“Is it- Can you be my decision?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is it okay- for you?” Oh. Tony wanted to say yes, immediately, but he took a moment to really think about the question. James was asking, if it was okay that his decision was- to be with Tony? He wasn’t exactly asking about Tony himself, about his decision. And that was good. But even so, Tony was pretty sure he had made his decision day, weeks ago. Years maybe, thinking back to a dark corridor and the strange way his father’s voice sounded.

“Yes, that is okay. You are my decision, too, James.”

Tony could hear him exhale, slowly. Relieved, maybe. A moment later James’ hands found him, pulled him back in.

“May I?”, he asked, hovering what felt like millimeters in front of his face, but not smothering, never too close.

“Yes.”

Bruce found them hours later, when it was almost time for dinner, with Tony dosing lightly on top of James and Jess curled up at their feet.

“So you two are okay, then?”, he asked, smiled evident in his voice.

“Yes,” Tony said and felt James nod next to him. “Yeah, I think we’re okay.”

James’ hands tightened around him, the metal almost cool in his skin, but already familiar.

“Dinner’s ready in a couple of minutes, if you’re up for it.”

And with that, Bruce disappeared again. Jess hopped down from the couch and followed him, probably hoping for food or a walk. They’d have to take her out after dinner, since she had now spent almost the whole afternoon laying around next to them.

Tony sat up, stretching.

“You okay?”, he asked. He didn’t think James would change his mind, but still, that didn’t mean the fear wasn’t there. Wasn’t real, in a way. Abandonment issues, the therapist had said. Sounded a lot like daddy issues in Tony’s ears, so, there’s that.

“Yeah. I’m not gonna bail on you, you know. Not unless you want me to go.”

Damn, James had become good at reading him. Or maybe Tony was just not as careful as he used to be when it came to hiding his feelings.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, and that felt scary, too. Like a secret not meant to be exposed, like it would happen the moment you talked about it. But all James did was take his hand, press a kiss high on Tony’s cheek and say: “I’m not leaving. Come on, let’s get dinner.”

As if it was that easy. Maybe it was. Maybe it could be, at least for a little while.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, sorry? There is some hurt in here, but it's all gonna be okay, I promise!

In the end, the calm was disrupted by a phone call. It had been a slow couple of days after the whole thing on the beach. Bruce had left, saying he’d go visit some friends or something. Probably Betty. Hopefully Betty, actually. They were in the workshop and since JARVIS didn’t recognize the number, Tony picked up his phone without really knowing what to expect.

“I need your help.”

“Well hello Cap. Thanks, I’m fine, how are you?” James tensed up next to him but didn’t move. Tony smiled at him, sneaking his own hand into James’.

“Right, sorry. Hello Tony.”

“Hi Steve. So, what do you need?”

“Your help.”

“Yeah, you said that. What for?”

“I- have you heard about what happened in DC?”

“Pretty hard to miss, yeah.”

“So you’ve heard about the Winter Soldier.” That was not a question.

“Yeah.” No point in beating around the bush, even though Tony was pretty sure he’d have a hard time actually helping Steve. Or rather, it might be too easy. Whatever.

“Right… There’s something I need to tell you about him.”

Now Steve sounded as if he was steeling himself for something. Maybe Tony could help him a bit.

“I know he’s your friend”, he said. He could hear Steve breathe on the other side of the line.

“Yeah, that too.” Why did he sound so unhappy about it?

“Too? What else then?”

“He- HYDRA-“ He broke off, took a deep breath. Tony imagined he’d close his eyes, let his head hang for a second. “They killed your parents, Tony.”

And wasn’t that just a bucket of ice water right over his head. He could feel James freeze next to him, could hear Steve saying something on the other side, but-

“What?”

“It wasn’t him. I mean, it was the Winter Soldier, but it wasn’t Bucky. They brainwashed him, he-“

“No wait, go back. My parents died in a car accident.”

“That’s what it was supposed to look like.” Now Steve definitely sounded unhappy, although the reason why was a lot clearer right now.

“Right, okay. Listen, I’m gonna have to call you back, Cap.”

“No Tony, wait-“

But Tony had already cut the call. The silence in the workshop was almost deafening. James still hadn’t moved, and neither had Tony for that matter. He was still laying underneath him on the couch, where they had been cuddling during one of Tony’s breaks. Now he wasn’t even sure James was still breathing.

“Is that true?”, he finally asked, proud when his voice didn’t crack, didn’t waver.

“I- I don’t know.” James sounded miserable, all shy and sad and desperate. “Tony I don’t know. I- it’s possible, but-“

“You don’t remember.”

“No.” Yep, definitely miserably.

He got up, glad when James didn’t try to hold him back. Not physically at least.

“Tony-“

“I- I need to think, okay? I need-“

“I can leave,” James offered immediately, and that hurt, too. But he nodded either way.

“Just- just give me a couple of hours, okay?”, he said, hoping that James understood that he didn’t want him gone, didn’t want him to leave, he just- he didn’t know what he needed.

He could hear James get up, could feel him walk past him, hesitate. He pressed a quick and soft kiss to Tony’s temple, there and gone and just a moment later, the workshop doors slid open.

“Stay here, Jess,” James said and then he was gone.

“JARVIS-“

“Yes Sir.”

“I- James- Can you-“ He broke off.

“Should I tell Sergeant Barnes that he’s not required to leave the mansion?”, JARVIS asked.

“Please.” At least they understood each other, he thought, before sliding to his knees with a sob. Jess was at his side in a second, pressing close.

Tony didn’t know how long he sat there, Jess at his side. He kinda wished James was here, but he also knew that he couldn’t bear his touch right now, so Jess it was. It wasn’t fair either way. Fuck, it really wasn’t fair. It had been good, so good, but of course it couldn’t last. Nothing ever did, not when you were Tony Stark. ‘Stark men are made of iron’, he heard his father say in his head and he realized that maybe he should have had a closer look at all of this somehow. After all, he’d known the Soldier for a lot longer than just the last couple of months. He’d known that his father was somehow involved. And now, after everything, he was not so sure of James had sought out Howard because he remembered him, or because he had something to do with HYDRA. Tony wasn’t even sure which option he preferred. At least with HYDRA, it was easy to hate them. But if he hadn’t worked with them, if James had found him again and again because he somehow remembered, then why hadn’t Howard helped him? He must have realized at some point who James was. He must have realized what was going on. Why hadn’t he helped him?

He remembered the times when the Soldier sought out Howard. How frightened his father had sounded and how wrong it had seemed to Tony. Nothing could scare Howard, that’s how it was supposed to be, wasn’t it? Stark men are made of iron. Yeah right. He’d been afraid of the Soldier. Or maybe, he’d been afraid of HYDRA. What if the Soldier hadn’t come to Howard on his own accord? What if he’d been sent? Fuck.

In the end, these questions were too important to ignore. He slowly got up and made his way upstairs, Jess pressed close to his side.

“Let’s go find James, huh?”, he murmured, knowing Jess would lead him where he needed to go. The patio, apparently. He could hear the waves down at the shore and Jess’ nails clicking against the stone floor. He could hear James moving if he listened real close, probably turning to meet him. Maybe turning away, he couldn’t he sure.

“Tony-“ Nope, definitely turning to meet him. Also, he sounded horrible. His voice was wet and raspy, as if he’d been crying. Which no, not okay.

“Why did you meet Howard, back when I was a kid?”, he asked, before his courage left him. He still wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer (scratch that, he definitely didn’t want to know), but he needed to.

“I- I didn’t know you remembered that,” James said softly, as if it pained him to talk. Tony signed.

“Well, I do,” he said, moving closer towards James. He hesitated a moment, then took the last couple of steps to the railing and slid down. He leaned against the glass and moments later, he could hear James doing the same.

“They sent me. After- after Zola died, they needed someone else to do the repairs.” His voice now was flat, stating the facts with an air of detachment that hurt just as much as him crying did.

“So you remember that, but you don’t-“

“No I do. I do now. Sometimes it takes a while, especially if a memory is triggered. But- I do remember.”

Tony took a deep breath. Fuck. Fuck all of this.

“So- So Howard worked with HYDRA, then?”

“I don’t think so,” James said, sounding confused.

“But he repaired your arm?”

“Because I made him do it.” Fact, again. Made him. Forced him, that meant. He let his head fall back against the glass, closed his eyes. He had the beginning of a headache creeping up, which was not really surprising at all. Also, his hands were shaking, as he noticed when Jess pressed close again.

“Did he know you?”

James hesitated for a second.

“I don’t know. He never said anything, but-“

Tony laughed. It was not funny.

“Yeah, he must have known.”

“Probably,” James allowed. Then: “Tony?”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry.” And yeah, he was definitely crying now.

“I know, James. I am too,” he said, knowing it wouldn’t really help, but not able to give more. Not right now. What he could do was to reach out. James took his hand immediately, clasping it close, pressing his face to it.

“It’s okay, James. It’s gonna be okay.”


	16. Chapter 16

The moved inside after a while, James still clinging to Tony’s hand but not touching him otherwise. As if he wasn’t sure if he was still allowed. As if he was afraid that Tony would send him away. And Tony knew that James would go if he asked him to. But maybe that was what you got for not talking about the elephant in the rooms for weeks, months really. He had known they had to talk, but he had a thousand excuses as to why he shouldn’t yet. Just wait for a while, wait until he’s stable, wait until the nightmares go away, wait until- wait until you can’t bring yourself to disrupt the peace, wait until you don’t even want to know anymore.

They moved to the couch and JARVIS was kind enough to put on a movie. They had finished with Disney and moved on to other classics. For some reason, JARVIS had decided to put on The Fellowship of the Ring, which they had already seen. But then again, James had fallen in love with the movies, had devoured the books when Tony had given them to him, so maybe it made sense. It was comforting after all.

They made it all the way through the two towers and had just started with the return of the king, when JARVIS spoke up:

“Sir, Captain Rogers wishes to speak to you.”

Tony turned his head, pressed his face into James’ shoulder. The wasn’t quite sure when the cuddle pile had started, but it was good. It was way better than the almost frozen way James had been sitting next to him on the couch.

“Tell him I’ll call back later.”

“I’m afraid the Captain is quite insistent to talk to you know. He and Mister Wilson are at the front door.”

“What? The fuck?”

James groaned next to him.

“Of course he is.”

“What? Why?”

“Because he gave you upsetting news and you hung up on him.”

“So? I still don’t see why that means he’s at the door now.”

“He assumes you’re alone. He doesn’t know how you’re dealing, so yeah- it kinda makes sense. For Steve anyway.”

“Ugh.” Now Tony was groaning. He did not want to deal with Rogers right now.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Tony snorted.

“If you open that door, he’s gonna freak out. And besides, I thought you didn’t want to talk to him?”

“Yeah, but what I want doesn’t really matter here.”

That had Tony sitting up straight and glaring at James within seconds.

“The fuck what you want doesn’t matter?! Of course it does.”

James huffed.

“I know it does, doll. But if Steve’s here now, asking for your help, then he’s at the end of the rope. And for all that I would be more comfortable with not talking to him, I’m can’t really let him suffer just because I wanna spend some time with my best guy, can I?”

“Right.” Tony snorted. “Right, okay. So-“

“Sir, I’m afraid Captain Rogers is threatening to break down the front door. I felt like it was wiser to let him in.”

“He what now?! Are you fucking kidding me, what is wrong with that guy?”

“In his defense, he probably thinks he’s helping,” James said, tone dry. Right, helping.

“Tony?” And that was Steve. Fuck, it would only take him a couple of seconds more until he was standing right in Tony’s living room.

“Shit, do you want-“

“Shh doll, it’s okay. I mean, if it’s okay for you?”

“I- sure, I don’t know-“

“Tony?” Steve’s next call was a lot closer and also a lot more worried.

“Ehm, Steve, maybe you wanna-“ The second voice must have been Wilson, since Tony didn’t know it.

James took a deep breath and sighed.

“Right,” he muttered. And then, louder: “Relax punk, he’s okay.” Which- was not helpful at all.

“Bucky?!”

“Barnes?”

Steve was in the room now, but since Tony had long stopped wearing the ear plug all the time, he had only his hearing to distinguish where exactly Steve – or Wilson – was. James was standing now, which was not helping Tony’s orientation in the room at all. At least Jess was being good, still sitting next to him, clearly waiting to be told what was going on.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asked, sounding suspicious.

“It’s a long story.”

“What the- Tony, are you okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He could hear Steve taking a couple of steps in their direction and he was pretty sure James was tensing up, but he wasn’t sure. Fuck, he was way too tired for this shit.

“Listen, can we not do this all standing around? I’m already tired and I’m not wearing the ear thingy and I really don’t wanna deal with figuring out what the hell is going on around me.”

That had James reaching out to softly touch his arm in a heartbeat.

“Shit sorry, of course. Do you wanna go sit down in the kitchen?”

Tony nodded, not really caring about the fact that Rogers was standing right here.

“Coffee,” he murmured, before getting up. He didn’t even mind James’ hand on his elbow, since he was pretty sure he was actually tired enough to need the help. Having a panic attack followed by emotional conversations and almost seven hours of movies would do that to you, though.

James sat him down on a stool at the breakfast bar and then went to make coffee. Tony could hear Steve talking in a low voice, presumably to Wilson. But he was definitely too tired to figure out what they were talking about.

“Go sit down, Steve.”

“I- I don’t understand. What is going on here? Tony, are you-“

“Go, sit down, Steve,” James repeated, with more force and this time Steve did as he was told. Tony was pretty sure he was being stared at right now, but he didn’t care. Not until he had coffee. A moment later, he heard a second chair being moved, which meant that Wilson was sitting down as well.

At least now he knew where everybody was. It was strange, the way that living with James had been easy. The way that James had never made him feel less, never tried to do things for him unless asked. But also the way that James did help him, with little things. How he had stopped moving silently, how he always made sure Tony knew where he was. How he had started calling out positions of objects, on days where Tony couldn’t take anything from him. And how most of the time, Tony reached out to meet him halfway, how most of the time, he had no problem at all with being handed things by James.

“Coffee, careful it’s hot,” James said next to him, before – point in case – a cup was pushed into his hands. Two more cups were put down on the breakfast table, presumably in front of Steve and Wilson, before James sat down next to Tony. He pressed his leg to Tony’s, a very clear, if subtle sign that Tony had no doubt Steve would be picking up.

“So…” Tony said, after taking a couple of sips. Apparently that was all Steve had been waiting for, because he immediately asked: “What are you doing here, Bucky?” James signed.

“As I said, it’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“No.”

“I- what?”

“You might have time, but I’m not telling you. Not right now. Just- I came here because I needed help with the arm.”

“You’re right, that’s not the same one you had in DC.” That was Wilson.

“No.”

“Okay. So, I feel like I am kinda intruding here. Do you – you know, want me to wait outside or anything?”, Wilson said.

“No. You’re already here; might as well stay,” James said. Which, true. It would only stress Tony out even more, knowing that there was someone else here, but not really knowing where. At least here, James could see him.

“So, what, Tony made you a new arm? I mean, are you- do you remember?”, Steve said, which was clearly the thing he actually wanted to know.

“Yeah. Some. Not- not everything, but enough.”

“You remember me, Buck?” And wow, that was just playing dirty now, Rogers.

“Yeah, punk.”

“Why- why didn’t you contact me?” And that was the other thing Steve desperately wanted to know, it seemed. James huffed.

“I needed time.”


	17. Chapter 17

That was maybe not the best way James could have chosen to tell Steve, but really, the guy kinda had it coming. Although right now Tony was actually glad he couldn’t see Steve’s face, since he had to look quite heartbroken. At least James immediately softened the blow.

“Look, it’s just that I needed some time to figure everything out. I mean, last time I saw you I was trying to kill you, so…”

“That’s not true.” And now Tony could almost hear James glaring.

“The fuck that’s not true?”

“You saved me! Or are you trying to tell me that it wasn’t you who fished me out of the Potomac?”

“I’m not sure that counts.”

“Well I say it does.” God, that guy was too stubborn for his own good. At least Wilson seemed to be having a good time, if the snorting was anything to go by.

“Fine, whatever” James said, “but that doesn’t change the fact that I needed some time to get my head straight… And make sure HYDRA wouldn’t bother me too much…”

“So that was you, then?”, Wilson asked. “The destroyed bases and everything…”

It’s funny, Tony thought, how he had never asked himself what James had done between ‘fishing Steve out of the Potomac’ and suddenly appearing in Malibu. It hadn’t really mattered in the beginning and then… then Tony had just never thought about it. But then again, there must have been a reason why the arm was as broken as it was. That might be it.

“Yeah”, James said. “Yeah, that was me.”

“Okay. So, you destroy a bunch of HYDRA bases and then what...?” That was Wilson again. Steve was quiet, probably watching James all longingly or something like that. Ugh.

“Arm broke. So I came here.”

“Why?” Okay, apparently Steve wasn’t as silent as expected. But longingly still described him pretty well.

“Because the arm was broken and Tony’s the best engineer.” As if it could ever be that easy.

“Yes, but… why didn’t you come find me?”

“Because you can’t fix the arm. And as I said, I needed time.”

“But you- I-“

“Steve.” This time he was interrupted by both James and Wilson.

“There’s no reason why Barnes shouldn’t be allowed to come here, so maybe just chill it a bit, okay? Barnes is his own man, he’s allowed to make decisions, even those you don’t like.”

“I don’t-“

“Oh please”, Tony said – and when had he decided he was gonna be speaking? – “you definitely think he made the wrong decision coming here.”

“I never said that”, Steve protested, weakly. Not that it mattered much. It was pretty clear that he might not have said it, but he still meant it. And somehow that still hurt, even though it was expected. Tony had known Rogers didn’t trust him, and yet he had still hoped that- that what? That Rogers would be a bit more friendly, now that he saw how Tony had helped his friend? Yeah, right.

“So, by the look of that, you did get a new arm then,” Wilson said into the silence, before it could become to awkward. James must have nodded or something, because the silence didn’t really change. At least not until Tony could hear Rogers taking a deep breath, as if preparing for something, but James stopped him before he could even get started.

“Listen, could we maybe not do that today. I’m tired and it has been a fucking long day and I really wanna sleep. We’re all still gonna be here tomorrow, so maybe…”

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea”, Wilson said. “Come on Steve, we still need to find a place for the night, so we better get going.”

“You can stay here,” Tony found himself offering. “Plenty of space going around.”

“Are you sure-,“Wilson started, but Rogers immediately said: “Yes, thank you,” so that was that. Anything to stay as close to James as possible, even if it meant housing with the- okay, he was gonna stop here.

“Okay great. JARVIS can show you around, I’m gonna go to bed. Jess-“ He hesitated. If SHIELD hadn’t known or at least hadn’t told the team, there was a good chance that neither Rogers nor Wilson knew about… well about that and it definitely wasn’t something he was planning to discuss tonight. But he also was way too tired and strung up to even consider being able to make it to his room on his own. Ugh, life sucked sometimes. And to make it all better, he was definitely tired enough to stagger when getting up. James was holding him up before Tony even realized what was going on.

“Ugh, I’m too old for this shit”, Tony murmured, as James helped him get his feet underneath himself. James snorted.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’m pretty sure both me and Steve are way older than you are.”

“Supersoldiers don’t count.”

“Right. Come on, let’s get you to bed, old man”, he said, pressing a hand low on Tony’s back, effectively guiding him without making anything obvious. That man was a genius.

“Jess, come on, let’s go to bed. Night everyone”, James said and gently but firmly pushed Tony out of the kitchen.

“You good with going to bed directly or do you need to check the workshop?” and wasn’t that just one more reason why James was a genius. When had they gotten to know each other like that?

“No, bed’s fine. JARVIS is gonna make sure the workshop’s closed up and secure, right?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Right.”

They made it to the bedroom without any other mishaps and Tony was way too tired to care about the fact that James didn’t leave, even as he started to undress and get ready for bed. Sure, they had shared a bed before, but this felt different somehow. With Rogers and Wilson in the mansion, it felt- forbidden, in a way. Either that, or James wanted to make sure Tony was safe, which you know, was rather sweet actually. Not that Tony minded as James crawled into the sheets after him, pressing himself close without suffocating either of them. The day had been way too long to not enjoy the warmth and closeness. And the soft kisses James pressed into his hair.

Tony woke up to soft caresses, fingers playing with his hair and careful kisses pressed into his skin. That was definitely a good way to wake up, even if it took a moment for him to remember what was going on. It didn’t take long for it to all come back. The phone call, the panic attack, Rogers breaking down his front door and everything that came with it. He frowned.

“Hey doll,” James whispered, curling close.

“Hey.” Tony turned a bit, not dislodging James’ hold but facing him. He smiled.

“You okay?” he asked. Now it was James frowning.

“I feel like I should be asking you, after all of yesterday.”

“Hm,” Tony closed his eyes, not really ready to face the world yet, “maybe. I’m okay though. Are you?”

“Sure.”

“That doesn’t sound very convincing, pumpkin.”

“Pumpkin?” He could almost hear James suppressing a laugh.

“Sure, concentrate on the unimportant stuff, why don’t you.”

“That is definitely not unimportant.”

“Right. But really, are you okay. I mean, it must have been weird, suddenly seeing Rogers again.”

James sighed. Tony imagined him starring at the ceiling, still frowning slightly.

“Yeah, I guess… I mean, it’s not as bad as could have been, seeing him now. It would have been worse, a couple of months ago. I’ve been ready for a while now, so…”

That caught Tony off guard.

“What do you mean, you’ve been ready for a while?”

James hesitated, then curled back close, tucking his head into Tony’s neck.

“I’m not saying I want to leave. I’m just- Tony you’ve helped me so much. If I had to, I’d be okay now. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave…”

Tony immediately brought his hand up, petting James’ hair. He sounded afraid, all of a sudden, as if Tony would push him out of the bed any moment now.

“Hey shhh, James it’s okay. You don’t have to leave. It’s okay pumpkin, I promise.”

“Tony…” Shit, was he crying? Tony wasn’t too sure at first, but it didn’t take long for the tears to dampen his skin and shirt, for the smell of salt to reach Tony’s nose.

“James, sweetheart- Come on, hey… shhh, come here, it’s okay.” He closed his arms around James, held him as close as he could. He couldn’t do much more, but it seemed to be enough for the moment. James didn’t talk, he just cuddled close, clutching Tony’s shirt in his hands. After a moment, Jess jumped up to the bed and wormed her way between them. That had James laughing wetly, and one hand slowly found its way into her fur.

It took a while, but eventually James calmed down. Tony was humming softly under his breath, drawing patterns and circles on every bit of skin he could reach.

“Sorry,” James murmured eventually.

“Shh no, it’s okay. It’s fine, honey.” That had James laughing again.

“What’s with the pet names, doll?” Tony snorted.

“As if you could talk.”

“Yeah, okay… I like it though.”

“Good, so do I.”

They were silent for a while, basking in the warmth and softness after a good cry.


	18. Chapter 18

They got up eventually, both crowding in front of the mirror in the bathroom, washing tear tracks from their faces. They both had trouble leaving their shared personal space, but they also knew that they had to face the real world sooner or later. The real world in the form of Steve Rogers, which yeah, that seemed real enough. Even though the whole thing was kinda strange, kinda surreal.

Tony was wearing his earpiece this time, but in the end it was the way James tensed at his back that told him that not only were Rogers and Wilson already in the kitchen, but that there must have been some kind of reaction to the fact that they both came into the kitchen at the same time, clearly together. Tony wasn’t too sure what that reaction exactly was, since nobody said anything, but it took a moment for James to relax.

Tony was pushed into a free chair – not his usual one, so that was probably already occupied – and a moment later James passed him a cup of coffee.

“French toast for breakfast okay?” James asked, already opening the fridge. Tony nodded, taking a careful sip of coffee. “Sure, thanks.”

“Well, aren’t you two cozy?” It was Wilson who finally broke the silence. James snorted and Rogers made some kind of sound, that Tony could not really define. But it didn’t seem to be a good sound, so… yeah.

Breakfast was mostly silent. Tony ate slowly, concentrating on his movements. He couldn’t imagine that neither Rogers nor Wilson would notice anything, but so far nobody had said anything. It was hard to tell, really.

Wilson disappeared outside after breakfast and suddenly the silence grew more heavy, more pointed in a way. It was Rogers again who broke it in the end.

“Bucky-“ he paused, hesitating, but James didn’t help him out. “Bucky, are you okay?” Tony could hear James taking a deep breath, not quite sighing.

“Yes. Yeah, I’m okay,” and Tony knew that it mean so much more. Steve might have nodded, since Tony could feel James relax next to him.

“Tony… thank you,” Steve breathed, amazed and wasn’t that just everything Tony had not expected.

“I… what?”

“You… you saved him.”

“I’d say he saved himself,” Tony said, since that was not something he had to think about. He’d be the first to downplay his own role in all of this, but there was no way that he would take any credit for anything that – in the end – had been James’ work all along.

“Wouldn’t have done it without you,” James murmured next to him, still definitely loud enough for Steve to hear. Tony shook his head.

“Of course you could have. Your arm wouldn’t be quite as cool, but otherwise…”

“You did what I couldn’t to, Tony. You have to let me thank you for that,” Steve interjected, voice all sincere and grateful.

“I-“ Nope, that was not something he could do. Captain America thanking him for saving his best friend was not a thing that should ever happen.

“Didn’t do it for you,” he said, slowly.

“No,” and Rogers’ smile was definitely audible now, “no you did it for him and that’s what makes it so great.”

Tony wanted to protest, but he could feel James next to him, the heat of his skin through two layers of jeans where he had his leg pressed against Tony’s. Could hear the way he laughed, quietly and said: “Just take it as we see it, Tony.” Right.

They were all quiet for a while. Tony wasn’t sure what would happen next, wasn’t even sure what he wanted. For James to stay, of course. But that wasn’t only his decision, although he was pretty sure after this morning that James did not have any secret plans of leaving. Which meant that the question was still left unanswered.

In the end, it was Jess who decided what the next course of action would be. “Right. Feeding and watering the dog is a thing that needs to happen,” Tony said, while James was laughing at something Jess must have done.

“I’ll feed her,” James said just a moment later, already standing. Tony nodded and drained the last of his coffee.

“We’ll need to take her out for a walk. Wanna come with us, Steve?” he asked, before he could even thing about whether that was a good idea or not.

“I- Sure, that would be great, actually. I’ll just tell Sam where we’re going, meet you outside?” Tony left James to answer that question while he put his mug in the dishwasher.

“Sorry, I should have thought about that a bit longer before offering,” he said as soon as he was reasonably sure that Steve couldn’t hear him anymore. James made a soft, questioning noise.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I just- the beach is ours,” he said, although he did realize how this made him sound. “I’m not- I don’t wanna exclude Steve or anything, it’s just… I don’t know.”

“Steve’s your friend, right?” James asked, suddenly much closer. Tony nodded. “Okay. And he’s my friend, too, even though I only remember like half of the good stories there are about him. I don’t mind sharing the beach with him. I don’t mind him knowing.”

Tony smiled. Leave it to James to understand exactly what the question was that Tony wasn’t willing to ask. “Okay. I don’t mind, either,” he said. He could feel James’ answering smile as he pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

“Good. Do you mind him knowing about Jess? Because I don’t think he picked up on that yet, but he will if we take him to the beach. And I’m pretty sure that Wilson already knows.”

“How does Wilson know?” Tony asked. That didn’t make any sense. He wouldn’t have been surprised if SHIELD had told Steve, but there was no reason for them to tell Wilson. Unless he was missing something.

“I think he’s just good at that stuff. He notices a lot more that people give him credit for.” Tony frowned, then grinned.

“You like him.”

“I-“ James laughed. “Yeah. He’s good for Steve, so yeah, I do like him.”

“Okay. And no, I don’t mind Steve knowing. He’s gonna notice anyway.” He could feel James nodding softly, still pressed close enough to Tony for him to pick up the movement.

“Can we not tell him? I wanna see how long it takes him to realize.”

“You’re a little shit, you know that?” James laughed.

“Yeah, I know. But you like it.”

“I do.”

Steve was indeed waiting for them outside. He must have had some kind of reaction to the fact that James and Tony were holding hands, but he didn’t say anything, and James didn’t comment on it, so Tony resigned himself to asking James later. Or JARVIS.

They let Jess walk on her own off leash, since James was getting pretty good at guiding him. And besides, Tony definitely knew that way, although he was thankful for James’ quiet comments about stuff laying in the way.

Tony slipped out of his shoes as soon as they reached the beach, laughing at the sounds Jess was making while running around, chasing the waves. They sat down on the warm sand, enjoying the calm and the sun, warming their skin. He had his eyes closed and was trying not to listen to the quiet conversation James and Steve were having. He concentrated on the sound of the waves and Jess but couldn’t help hearing that they were – at least in some way – talking about him. Mostly, because James suddenly said in a tone meant to be overheard: “You’ll have to ask Tony about that, I’m not answering personal questions like that.” Which seemed to work pretty well in shutting Steve up for the moment (and gave Tony an idea of what exactly they had been talking about). He sighed.

“Just ask, Steve,” he said, still not opening his eyes. There was a sound of shuffling, probably Steve coming closer, sitting down next to him.

“Jess, she’s a service dog, right?” Tony nodded. Not the opening question he had expected, but easy enough to answer.

“Yeah, she is.”

“I- can I ask-“ He broke off. “No, sorry, that’s none of my business.” Tony frowned. Was it possible that Steve hadn’t actually noticed? He knew he was pretty good at hiding, but that was more than he expected.

“I’ll tell you if I don’t want to answer a question,” he said after a moment, curious to know what Steve was thinking.

“I- Sam said that a lot of veterans have service dogs, but… I mean, you can’t really say you haven’t been to war, so… I don’t know.” Tony smiled. He must be better than he thought at hiding. Or Steve just wasn’t looking in the right direction, which could have sense if Sam had just recently told him about PTSD dogs.

“She’s not that. I mean, she’s pretty good at noticing distress and bringing me out of a panic attack, but that’s not what she’s primarily trained for. She’s a guide dog.” He heard a sharp intake of breath, surprised.

“She’s a- are you blind?”

Tony opened his eyes, grinning at the sound of James laughing. Straight to the point, right.

“Yeah.”

“But- how? I mean-“ He broke off and Tony could almost imagine how red his face was. After a moment, Steve finally seemed to settle on one question: “Since when?”

“2010. A couple of years after I became Iron Man, but before New York.”

“But you- you’re still Iron Man.”

“Yeah. JARVIS helps.”

“Wow. That’s- Tony that’s amazing.” That was not really what Tony had expected. He could feel James sitting down next to him, reaching out to touch him. Comforting. He still shrugged, feeling weird with all the attention on himself. It was kinda difficult to adjust for a moment, since he always expected Steve’s reaction to be – well, negative. Not admiring, definitely never that. Sure, he might have hoped for something like that, in dark and lonely hours, but he’d always known it was just that – hope, a dream. And as soon as James had entered his life, it had changed anyway. He stopped caring so much about what Steve might think and began to care a lot about what James thought. Didn’t mean he wasn’t glad that Steve didn’t seem to mind, of course.


	19. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short epilogue and I hope I do the story justice. I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you! For all the kudos and comments, all the bookmarks. For everyone who left more than one comment, who came back for every chapter. For everyone who just quietly read and enjoyed my little story. Thank you. I had a blast!

“So… What now?” Tony asked. They had left their shoes behind and were sitting in the sand, listening to Jess chasing waves. It was still pretty early in the morning, the sun warm but not too hot yet. Steve and Sam had left to run some errands a while ago and James and Tony had used the opportunity to take Jess outside.

James was silent for a moment. Their fingers were still interlaced, because James had helped him navigate down to the beach and they hadn’t let go yet. Tony found he did not really want to, anyways.

“I don’t know,” James answered after a while. “Kinda depends on what Steve’s gonna do, I guess. Although knowing him, we’re just gonna have to throw him out at some point. Or maybe Wilson will drag him back to DC, who knows.”

“Throw him out?” Tony said. James snorted.

“Yeah. Otherwise, he’s just gonna set up camp in one of the guest rooms and never leave.”

“Do you want him to leave?” Tony asked, unsure what kind of answer he was expecting. Even more unsure about what kind of answer he’d like.

“I--” Apparently, James wasn’t too sure either. “I mean, it’s your home.”

“That’s not an answer to my question. Also, it’s your home, too.”

James laughed quietly. Then he leaned back, tugging at Tony’s hand until they were both laying on the sand. Tony wanted to make a comment about finding sand in places where sand should not go, but he was too comfortable to disturb the peace.

“I know I’m gonna sound real cheesy,” James said, “but home for me is wherever you are. Sure, Steve’s my best friend, but-- I don’t really know him anymore. I’d love to have to chance to get to know him better again, to spend some time with him, but… It’s you I want to live with, not him. And I don’t care if home is here or in New York or somewhere else entirely, as long as I’m allowed to be with you.”

Tony knew his eyes were very wide and he had to consciously remind himself to not just stare at James. This was-- pretty close to what Tony was feeling, too, but still, to hear James say it so plainly, as if there had never been any other possibility, as if this path had been laid out in front of them for ages-- it was a lot.

“James, I--” He could feel James shaking his head next to him.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to--” He trailed off, clearly not knowing how to finish the sentence. Tony sat up, reaching out for James’ hand again.

“No, let me.” Tony smiled. He could hear Jess running around, having fun. James’ hand was warm in his own, comfortable and familiar. “James, I love you, too,” he said, because this was it, wasn’t it? Love had always meant home for Tony, and he got a feeling that it was very much the same for James. Maybe it hadn’t always been like this, but now-- the place where James felt safe and protected wasn’t a place after all. It was a person. And Tony felt incredibly honored about the fact that he got to be that person.

James pulled him down again, embracing him and for a while, they rolled around on the sand, laughing. It didn’t take long for Jess to join them, always eager to play. Eventually, they calmed down again - and now Tony definitely had sand in places where sand shouldn’t be. But it was alright. After a while, they would get up, try to clean up as best as they could. James would go find their shoes and help Tony up the stairs. Tony would feel safe and relaxed, because James never made him feel like he was any less, just because sometimes it was easier to climb up the stairs with some help. They would come home to find that Steve and Sam had come back. He’d listen to James and Sam bicker about what to make for dinner and then maybe, he’d convince Steve to watch a movie with them. James had mentioned that he kinda missed the soft animations of early Disney movies, so Tony was thinking about watching some Ghibli movies next. He’d show them spirited away or maybe my neighbor Totoro. They would cuddle on the couch and tomorrow they’d talk about what to do next. They’d talk about the future of the avengers, about the possibility of James - and Sam, apparently - joining the team full time. They’d talk about moving back to New York, maybe finding a new base.

But all of this was for later. At the moment, they were still laying in the warm sand, fingers interlaced, Jess pressed close and panting happily. For now, they had this, and it was more than Tony had ever hoped for.


End file.
